Friday, May 30, 2008

Sox - The Lorena Way

Yee Haw! - The sox from The Smiling Infidel's sock exchange have arrived today from the illustrious Jean Knee. Jean Knee wrote (and I quote) - "I tried to get you some hot sox but my podunk town doesn't have any."

But her podunk town sure as hell has sox that can force a cankle when photographed. I can get everyone I know to attest that I DO NOT in fact have cankles. Between the mirage-y appearance of a cankle, some really dry skin and the fact that my size 11 foot is turning some simple polka dots into a Meat Lovers Supreme, I almost didn't post this picture. My bloggy pal Sue just snagged Photoshop and I'm sure she could have done some voodoo with Prince Caspian's head, but I'll just block out the ugly with MS Paint.

It was unanimously decided under my dictatorship that GirlChild would model the other sox.

In an effort to understand the sock issues faced in Lorena, Texas - I consulted the first page of stuff that cropped up on Google. The Handbook of Texas Online gave me what was probably the driest page of information of ANY city in the United States of America, nay, the world.

The most interesting (and I use that term loosely) bits of information they throw out are population statistics and the banks that have opened and closed since the 1850's. I nodded off just writing that sentence. Come on! I mean...aren't there shootouts in Texas? Saloons? Sam Houston took a crap there?

Y'all may or may not know that I spent a good chunk of time working for the Census Bureau so I immediately felt compelled to make a graph of the population fluctuations. I felt compelled until I realized I had a new version of Excel and needed Babycake's help, whereupon he said, "Gahh....I'd rather take a lick from the Cup of Death than look at the population data of Lorena, TX again." You may not be able to read the miniscule numbers but I'll sum up by saying that by 2000, they were up to Pop. 1433.

Yeah - that graph is pretty damned dull, even by Census standards. I'll spruce it up by letting a Hershey Bar represent 200 people.

Is there NO way to make this interesting?!

Jean Knee - thank you for my sox! And thank you for letting me take a pot shot at your town.


Amended Post: After my other bloggy pal Bee brought it to my attention (I was being pressured by Babycakes to play World of Warcraft while I was typing up this post) - I will say that the BEST part of Lorena, TX is that they are lucky to have Jean Knee gracing it! Maybe I could hack my way into the online Texas Handbook and stick that in there. That would be totally cool. And have a wonderful Happy Birthday! Woo hoo!


Humor-Bloggers for Lorena, TX!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Visiting - Peace Corps Style (Part 1)

“Hey Lar…” *gasp* “how far is your house from here?” *pant*

“Just on the other side of that line of trees on yonder ridge.”

“Oh God. I’m dyin’. Let me just sit for a minute.”

(a good long sit where Alice breathes a lot)

“Please tell me you have food at your place.”

“My specialty is cocoa-oatmeal and I may have some bananas.”

(cut my eyes over and begin hiking again)

“Lar? Did that 60 year old mama carrying a load of wood on her head just pass me?”


“Was she barefoot?”


“Yeah, I thought so. I officially suck.”

Click *pant* on *gasp*

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Revenge of the Stat Nerds

One of the highlights of my grad school career got its bumpstart from a PhD candidate that for anonymity’s sake we’ll call Dumbass. I have purposely chosen the least attractive picture of him that I could locate. Chew that hotdog boy!

My friend, M. and I shared an office adjacent to the computer lab where we graded stacks of tests and quizzes for the professors. Dumbass came to our ‘office’ with five boxes of paper to be recycled and dumped them off.

“Yo, Dumbass! If you call Plant Operations, they’ll come pick that stuff up for you.”

“Why do that when I can dump it here?”

Now this guy was already annoying to begin with and the urge to make him eat five boxes of recyclable paper was high. It’s petty, but with nothing better to do than grade mindnumbing quiz after quiz, M. and I devised a plan that involved multiple sodas a day for the rest of the year, carefully washing them out and storing them in our sad little office. It's not so easy to explain away three boxes of soda cans sitting around.

And so under the cover of darkness, we snuck into the building during the last week of school -armed with 3 boxes of soda cans and our hot glue guns. Sure it took several hours, but just look at the amazing results to Dumbass' office door!

We scored some string and plastic forks for an overhanging mobile effect and the piece de resistance was the pull-tab we glued over his office keyhole.

Dumbass took it about as well as we expected, which was not at all - only delighting us more. It's no fun if they just laugh it off. Once he got past the glued on pull-tab over the keyhole, he smashed the whole thing in with his foot.

The bottom rows collapsed to the floor, but because M. and I were having architectural issues at the top, we had resorted to simply gluing the cans to the door. You can see that the top has remained stuck. Muahahhahahaaaa....

It was completely awesome.


Clicky on Humor-Blogs por favor - or I'll can you next!

Monday, May 26, 2008

The Erotic Duck Adventures of Antoine and Carlos

Once upon a time there were three ducks. Their names were Jean-Claude, Antoine and Bernadette. They were a happy threesome just trying to have a good time on the Spiderman Slip-n-Slide.

That was ... until Carlos and Maria decided that they were missing out on good times and waddled on over, trying to make the ménage à trois, a ménage à cinq.

Carlos said, "Holaaaa lookin' fuego."

Maria said, "I'm outta here."

Jean Claude said, "Quack."

Bernadette said, "You people..uh..ducks are stupid. I'm going back to see Spidey."

Antoine said, "Mange d'la marde."

Then Antoine got all up in Carlos' face and proceeded to commit homosexual duck rape, first brought to our attention by the Smiling Infidel. Only she left out the homosexual part and I had to sort of discover that for myself.

Yeah - I'm awake now too.

On the furrier side of our petting zoo, I've decided to show you a pic of my visiting raccoon who likes to come late at night while I'm on the computer and fiddle with the doorknob. Do you know what a raccoon fiddling with a doorknob sounds like? Yeah...a rapist duck.

But we're best buds now that I've stopped freaking out everytime the knob rattles. I do give him treats and y'all can spare me the rabies lecture since Babycakes already gave it to me. See - he's even sticking his tongue out at you!

Join HARD - Humor-Bloggers Against Rapist Ducks

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Late Night Poker-Didn't-Even-Know-Her Rant

Y'all are getting my bad beat story right now, because it's my blog and I want to and because telling bad beat stories is what poker players do best. Too bad no one likes to listen to them because they are only variations on a theme that you've already seen or experienced a thousand times before.

I sat on my ass for six hours in a poker tournament, playing shrewdly and cultivating my puny stack since I had crap cards all afternoon. I had to endure a linguistics debate between two rednecks during one of the breaks. The two cute regulars didn't show and I didn't even drink any beer. And then I finally get AA with two all-in callers. I'll shorten the story to the point where I say that my two callers BOTH ended up with better hands than me and I had to physically force my arm from my side to shake hands before storming out. I finished 20th out of 62.

Losing with AA always blows and I worked up a pretty good rage on the ride home. Do you know what kills a good rage? Yeah, that's right ... Cat Stevens and "The Wind" popping up during your iPod shuffle.

And while I'm ranting, do you know what else I hate? That 85% of all Marylanders drive in the passing lane. It's the honest truth and take it from a girl who drives to Georgia at least twice a year - once you pass into North Carolina - it's like a whole new world. People ACTUALLY stay right except to pass. I give a big thumbs up to all North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia drivers and the fact that I can travel in a pack going 80 mph with no prob.

With Cat Stevens luring me out of my rage and the freaks in the left hand lane spurring me back on, the ride home was a little too trippy for my liking. In fact this post is getting a little trippy for me and the Salt-n-Vinegar chips I was eating just tore up my mouth so I had to eat some Kix cereal to counteract that, but now I feel all bloaty.

To end my rant, my poor sock swapee, Diana, is probably crying because I haven't sent out her socks yet because of the stoopid eBay person - and here's proof in case you don't believe me:

Hello, the week was nuts so they
just went out yesterday. Sorry about the small delay. Thanks again for your
- 69baby

And everyone knows that if an eBayer has '69' in their screen name, then they must be reputable.

p.s - I gave up trying to format this cruddy post. Apologies for the aesthetically unappealling alignment.

Humor Blogs checks it down.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Party a la GirlChild ... and Love Ducks!

Holy Sealy Pillowtop Mattress Batman! - I'm wiped.

GirlChild's party was fun in the way that a twister ripping through Oklahoma is fun. See how I force my guests to go chase my patio umbrella through the neighborhood:

Please - I was doing more important things like shoving chips in my face. I had quickly calculated the energy/time needed to extricate my hips from the plastic lawn chair vs. other moms taking care of the situation thereby saving myself 3.2 Joules of something (good grief - I got bored just trying to investigate physics just now...snooze....)

GirlChild and friend romping in the kiddie-wind-chill-factor-fun-pool:

Dressing up proved warmer and more popular - and those five year old bodies are still squeezing themselves into the infamous cat suit.

Now we don't just hang with ordinary folk around here. Here is WitchyGirl's dad. CatGirl's mom has this. Princess GirlChild's mom likes to eat this.

And just in case you were feeling the need to discuss more aspects of duck love, I'll let you know that we've got a little ménage à trois now. You go girl!

I'm honestly going to attempt to write up something a little more blogworthy this weekend. I mean...posting pics of rapist ducks (you'll need to fish through the comments for all that) is really scraping the bottom of my mental barrel.


Please don't ban me for complete lameness Humor-Blogs!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Phoning It In

Sorry peeps - GirlChild's birthday party is today so I need to do a complete rehash of last Saturday, only with smaller kids and more pink.

I'll leave you with a comic from one of my favorite sites:


Check out Humor-Blogs for people who cared a little more about what they slapped down on the internet.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

BoyArt in 4 Parts

BoyChild is working on adjectives at school. Or at least that's what I'm going with based on the paper in four parts that he brought home on Monday. Let's examine:

What this picture is telling me is that after a whole year of art class, he's mastered stink lines and slapped the fastest thing down on paper that looked like a good smelling pitzza.

The teacher is now aware that we have stinky garbage in the house. The stink line is not as wavy as with the pitzza, probably indicating a sharper odor. Come on BoyChild...GirlChild draws better than that!

The best item he could come up with for "tasting good" is ICE?

Alice: Now if you guys are good and finish all your vegetables, we'll have ice for dessert!

BoyChild and GirlChild: YAY! YUM!

I can only be thankful that he didn't write "Mom's fart smells disgusting." And that he spared us a picture of a pig with stink lines.
Go on and click Humor-Blogs for me pleeze!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Weekender Plus Monday Slots Extravaganza

Sit back and hold tight - this weekend was a non-stop rollercoaster of excitement. You've already seen the remains of Delta Tau from the previous post.

Sunday was all about the Majestic Dawn Prerelease Pokemon Tournament where I discovered that the best possible way to have every boy from ages 8 to 18 follow after you like you had Shakira's ass and Dolly Parton's boobs was to find a Garchomp X in your new card pack. I've never been more popular in my life. The fellow in blue below has already promised me seven rares and I'm pretty sure I could get him to detail my car and babysit my kids.

I finished the tournament with a respectable 3-2 record and BoyChild went 1-3. The one game he won (pictured below) went into some sort of crazy-assed double overtime because they couldn't knock out each other's Pokemon.

Be nice to her BoyChild. She may be the only one who'll date you in high school.

I'd had two very full days at this point and passed out on Sunday evening. Monday morning at 7:00 am, Babycakes pokes me awake - "Aren't you going out with Kyra today?"


It is a testament to my exhaustion that I could forget about a day playing the slots - love of my life - second only to...well...nothing. Sorry Babycakes - if only you had a Bonus Round. I scramble for clothes, Babycakes throws his EZPass into my car and I rush out to pick up my companion in delinquency so we can head to Dover Downs in Delaware for a little slot action.

EZPass lets you slide on through the tolls without stopping, but I don't have the snazzy velcro on my windshield to hold it up. So when I get to the Bay Bridge toll I stick my arm out waving the EZPass around. Nothing. I'm more surprised that I didn't drop it and run it over. The lady in the booth just looked at me sadly and the short story is that we ended up throwing a couple bucks at her. Screw you EZPass.

The road to Dover Downs is pretty much all backroad farmland. I found the perfect place to get that commissioned meat sculpture I'd been wanting for the bedroom.

Once we arrived, Kyra and I spent a good six hours cycling money through the machines, having discussions like this:

Kyra: Woo Hoo - I just won 145 nickels!
Alice: How much is that?
Kyra: I don't know.

Alice: Those three leprechauns right there, that should be worth something, right?!?!

Kyra: I'm playing 'The Price Is Right' until I get the bonus Plinko round dammit.

In the end - it was a damned fine day at the slots because after a full six hours - Kyra left with an extra $1.10 and I was only down $9.40. FANTABULOUS! Best finish EVER!

On the ride home, we found these words of wisdom about how God is similar to items from Wal-Mart.

We stopped at Holly's for a bite to eat and successfully filled out all 50 states with their capitals on the paper placemat while we waited. We also had mucho tea and some dessert. My pie is gone and I hope that the picture is bad enough that you can't see my tongue streaks on the plate. I also hope the picture is bad enough that you can't see where we had to fudge some of the state capitals.

My only regret from dinner is that I wasn't able to record the woman at the next table go on a 10 minute spiel about her love for Honey Wheat Bread. True story.


Play All Lines Max Bet for the Humor-Blogs Bonus Round

Sunday, May 18, 2008

How BoyChild's Birthday Was Like A Frat Party


I'm too tired to link to Humor-Blogs.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Birthday Prep and a Fish Called Blinky

Alice's Back: (Heh heh heh...she'll be standing for the next three hours doing those cakes ...ready.... SPASM!!!)

Alice: Urghachhh! *rattle*rattle* SCORE! (swallows Tylenol w/ Codeine) Nothing can stop Cake Woman with the right pharmaceuticals! Leafeon and Lugia - I choose you! (Blackness indicates MSPaint and BoyChild's name and not an 'aw crap' moment.)

The conversation I will most likely be having tomorrow:

Alice: We need another nebulizer.

BlueCross/BlueShield: Why?

Alice: The motor burnt out on the other one.

BC/BS: But those things are made to last forever!

Alice: It burnt out. BoyChild had an asthma attack. Yeah. He was hooked up all night.

BC/BS: Why didn't you take him to the emergency room?

Alice: We thought it could handle the pool, I mean, the asthma.

BC/BS: Denied.

I spent a good 45 minutes trying to figure out why the pool wasn't inflating this morning. After careful investigation and maneuvering the cord 5 times - I happened to glance 6 inches to the right of the valve. Apparently those big HOLES indicate a place for air to escape. What I would need are the CAPS I had just manhandled and stared at when I removed the pool from the box.

And as requested - our very own Blinky. I seriously thought he was a floater until I poked him. (What is it about poking things with sticks that entertains me?! You'd think I was a man or something.) Best pic I could get as I believe the ducks have traumatized them into the slime abyss. They used to come up for food - but now, nothing.


Press Humor-Blogs if you love Blinky.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Crappy Homes & Crappier Gardens

I know you people can't get enough of my professionally landscaped yard and tales of mowing. Let's take a tour of the land and observe some of the carefully thought-out details.

This is our pond. Calling it a 'pond' is being generous - let's try stagnating pool of fetid fish guts or my-toddler-just-fell-in-and-now-I'm-suing-you. That sounds about right.

The previous owners carefully leveled the land for maximum exposure of the black plastic liner.


I would also point out the graceful Koi, but it's hard to see past the slime. We're harboring the cockroaches of the fish world in that pond.

Pond also used to have a waterfall, but we should all know by know that if it was put in by the crackheads, it wouldn't stand up to the test of time. It involved running an underground extension cord to a motor mostly exposed to the elements and you know it was FUBAR. And so motor stopped, waterfall stopped and Babycakes and I have TRIED to extricate the waterfall water holding tank for aesthetic purposes.

Babycakes and I didn't get too far. But the arc of white flowers over it looks nice - too bad it's a weed. Or maybe it's not...yeah, that's the ticket...we planted that there!

*NEWSFLASH* - Just caught two ducks IN the pond of death. I suspect they've been chowing down on the fish of doom. I wasn't fast enough with the camera to catch them in the act, but here they are. If they survive the fish - I suspect they'll become the cockroaches of the duck world.

In an effort to add some trees to my barren acreage - I bought eight Douglas Firs. They were put out of hose range in the wayback and were unable to take the drought last summer. I've got eight of these brown beauties in a lovely arc at the back.

Also out of hose-range in the wayback is our friend Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy didn't give a shit about the drought.

The crackheads, on an exceptional high, decided that onionskin colored irises were the bomb. When Babycakes turns his head, I pull the roots up on those puppies and yet they still manage to multiply behind my back. Must be the cockroach of the iris world.

Master Gardener Alice signing off.


Click on Humor-Blogs - most of those other folk don't talk about their yards so much.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


The grass is saying "Mow Me" and my Amy Winehouse nasal passages are saying "NOOOOOO" but BoyChild's party is coming quickly so I'll leave you with my favorite pic of GirlChild preparing for sorority life.

Hey - I think that Bee could verify that Cheetoh's are capable of making you pass out.

Click on Humor-Blogs for me while I'm snorting pollen.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Vamp News Twilight Alert

While 'Twilight' by Stephenie Meyer is not my most favoritest vamp series (that would be held by J.R. Ward and the Black Dagger Brotherhood), I still enjoyed them and was alerted by a friend that the trailer for the movie due out in December has just been released. If this interests you at all, you can check it out here. I'm really digging the guy they chose for Edward. *hubba*hubba*

If vamps (and the paranormal) are your thing - I'd also recommend Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse / Southern Vampire series and Kresley Cole's Immortals After Dark series. I'll just go ahead and warn my faint-hearted readers that J.R. Ward and Kresley Cole are on the smuttier side of the genre.

Black Dagger folks (if there are any of you out there) - I will be in hibernation on June 3rd with the release of 'Lover Enshrined'. Will re-emerge from my hidey hole in the bathroom when I'm done.

I believe I've probably read most of the paranormal good stuff, but if you know of another awesome writer that I may have missed - fill me in!!!

NEW **The Bloggess has just posted a very funny vampire video from YouTube.**

Monday, May 12, 2008

Rainy Days and Footless Socks Always Get Me Down

Babycakes finally got fed up with our old coffee maker and decided a new one was the way to go for Mother’s Day. I was cool with the old one, even if it never shut off automatically. It meant I was guaranteed hot coffee at almost any time of the day unless I’d almost finished the pot in the morning, in which case I was guaranteed piping hot coffee sludge. I think he was also getting a little tired of my unDenny-waitress-like ability to get coffee from the carafe into my mug without dribbling onto the counter. So he killed a lot of birds with one stone by getting me this:

The card pretty much sums up my Mom-hood tough love attitude but it's missing a wooden spoon (or as I like to call it The Enforcer). And of course I received the much coveted box of Pokémon cards.

BoyChild and I entered our first local Pokémon tournament on Sunday afternoon for a little practice. A little practice in losing that is. This wasn’t our big Majestic Dawn tournament that we’re waiting for next weekend, but a play-your-own-deck tournament.

Most of you reading this don’t really know me, but I’ll fill you in – I am almost COMPLETELY controlled by my competitive nature. Doesn’t matter if it’s grades in school, games or sports. Well, I got a big ol’ taste of learning to lose gracefully and was glad to hear that at least the 8th grader that spanked me in the 2nd round was ranked in the top 40 players worldwide. I also learned that I need to get my ass back on eBay because I need better cards. Don’t think I didn’t pick up on more than a few deck improvements while I was playing. I taunted the 8th grader (taunting is an entirely acceptable tactic...if the judges don't witness it) with the possibility that he could be in my high school math class next year. I’m pretty sure he was scared. Or maybe that was pity. I get those looks confused.

I know that a few of my readers (those that adore my tales of yardwork) will be glad to hear that we’re in the middle of a deluge.

This should ensure that most of next week will be dedicated to yard maintenance adventure. I’m a bit concerned because I’ve got BoyChild’s birthday party in 5 days and GirlChild’s party is next week and if this rain forces the proceedings indoors – you’ll hear about it. Unless I'm dead. And then I'll get Babycakes to write about it.

Sue – I'd like to share a little allergy mocktail I call Benaquil. Notice how I combine the two simple ingredients in my fine Lenox crystal - the only fine thing I own.

Other bizarreness – I’m participating in an exciting sock swap over at the Infidel Place. A post of hers mentioned eBay so I decided to check it out for my secret sock swapee. What I found I couldn't keep to myself, so if you’re interested in the tops of a pair of Star Wars socks – better head on over quick before I outbid you !!!

(This is 100% true and accurate – you may have thought you misread my previous sentence, but the bottoms of these socks have been cut off.) Come's only 99 cents. How can you afford NOT to buy these?! I'm seriously considering this purchase for the swap - so be warned! And swapee - beware!
Humor-Blogs will knock your half-socks off!