Friday, February 12, 2010

Day Billion and 3

I was about to hunker down in the WC for what I thought might be an extended period of time, when I realized I'd already exhausted the reading material on the side of the Lightdays box. I quickly fished around the bathroom until I found a book on the history of the Civil War nestled under some Q-Tips. I pondered, "WTF is that doing in here are where is my copy of Star with Brad Pitt on the front?"

I sighed heavily and resigned myself to the Civil War, written for 5th graders it seems.

Teaching math all day, I don't dabble into history books all that much, but I've always enjoyed it as long as I won't be tested on the material. The book proved interesting enough for me to continue reading it outside of the loo. And then it started to irritate me with passages like this:

Book: "As the South becomes desperate, Southern soldiers fight harder than ever. Do you remember when Cortes faced Montezuma in Mexico City?"

Alice: Ummm...sorta...

Book: "Do you remember that the Aztec leader would not surrender?"

Alice: No.

Book: "Do you remember what happened?"

Alice: No


Alice: WTF happened in Mexico City? Don't leave me hanging stupid book!
So now I have to Google stuff and find out my Civil War book is even lamer than I first thought because Cortes did NOT face Montezuma in Mexico City, because it wasn't even called Mexico City then. I'd leave you hanging like the book, but I'm not that cruel. It was called Tenochtitlan.
I had to Google Patrick Swayze after that because it's nearly impossible to read about the Civil War without thinking how Orry Main was pretty hot for a Civil War dude.
**Favorite Quote** (re: Grant, the Original Survivor)
"He was the kind of general who didn't worry much about military theories. He just outkilled and outlasted his enemy."

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Day Billion and 2

Unless you've been in a coma and not following your East Coast friends whining via FaceBook you might have realized I've been cooped up a bit.

BoyChild was starting to look shaggy and I happily pulled out the electric clippers as a new indoor activity I hadn't explored yet. After some soothing words about how a little hair in his eyes wouldn't kill him, he ran off tearing his shirt from his body and my first thought about his head was "mange". And then I only wanted to wish him well in the coal mines. With the right side a little closer to the skull and a cowlick that eluded the clippers, he's only a black smudge and hacking cough away from working the tunnels.

He's skillfully been eluding me since then. But that's OK since I've found "Hoarders" ON DEMAND. It's my new favorite show that makes me feel better about the state of my house. I've had to move on after exhausting Comcast's selections of "Cake Boss" and "How It's Made." "Ruby" was hitting a little too close to home.

Babycakes shoveled pretty fast today, I think to get me out of the house faster. I tried to kidnap my neighbor but she claimed her husband was "working". Riiiigggghhhhht...and I'm going out to get groooooceriiieeesss...

Dammit, don't they even think about MY feelings?!? Didn't they realize that I'd need a designated driver for my planned stop at La Tolteca for a Modelo Especial or five? I had to satisfy myself with an order of soft chimichangas that are now sitting quite heavily in my upper GI. So lonely without a Mexican beer to digest them.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Day Billion and One

My verbiage was getting too much for Facebook's limited space and my sister kept hinting that I should blog during my house arrest as determined by the Maryland Public School System, the Federal Government and Fat Bastard Winter (FBW).

In addition to completing a thorough investigation of my toenail cuticles, GirlChild and I explored our artistic side on her bedroom wall.

Her Lorax isn't half bad!

Under the butterflies, BoyChild added some wind, both artistically and literally (after consuming the dreaded Fiber Bar). The Fiber Bars are the weapon of choice during the confinement for their combination of lip-smacking tastiness and near-lethal gas producing qualities.

Babycakes sat with them in front of YouTube until GirlChild had THIS memorized. She chimes in with "nobody comes to visit my little cloud" as she streaks past you leaving a wake of offensiveness.

On what felt like day 100,000 GirlChild created TentCity in our living room. Peering closely, under my didgeridoo, you'll find her wardrobe hanging on a novelty known as "hangers". Hidden in the underbelly of TentCity is "guest bedroom" and "pile where I put my dirty clothes".

BoyChild is so easy. World Of Warcraft. A billion and one days off of school. Bliss.

As for me, I finally took a look into my school bag that I abandoned on Day 1 of FBW. I unfortunately abandoned it with a banana sitting at the bottom that had nicely oozed all over my new gradebook. And some Algebra 2 homework. Oh well, I'm sure the kids will have forgotten they ever turned those in by the time we get back to school. Or better yet...

Alice: Class, your mastery of exponents is deplorable. After THOROUGHLY grading your last homework assignment I threw it all away in disgust after wiping the of failure from my hands.

Stay Tuned for Day Billion and Two! Unless I get apathetic and watch M*A*S*H reruns all day.