Monday, May 26, 2008

The Erotic Duck Adventures of Antoine and Carlos

Once upon a time there were three ducks. Their names were Jean-Claude, Antoine and Bernadette. They were a happy threesome just trying to have a good time on the Spiderman Slip-n-Slide.

That was ... until Carlos and Maria decided that they were missing out on good times and waddled on over, trying to make the ménage à trois, a ménage à cinq.


Carlos said, "Holaaaa Bernadette...you lookin' fuego."

Maria said, "I'm outta here."

Jean Claude said, "Quack."

Bernadette said, "You people..uh..ducks are stupid. I'm going back to see Spidey."

Antoine said, "Mange d'la marde."

Then Antoine got all up in Carlos' face and proceeded to commit homosexual duck rape, first brought to our attention by the Smiling Infidel. Only she left out the homosexual part and I had to sort of discover that for myself.


Yeah - I'm awake now too.

On the furrier side of our petting zoo, I've decided to show you a pic of my visiting raccoon who likes to come late at night while I'm on the computer and fiddle with the doorknob. Do you know what a raccoon fiddling with a doorknob sounds like? Yeah...a rapist duck.

But we're best buds now I've stopped freaking out everytime the knob rattles. I do give him treats and y'all can spare me the rabies lecture since Babycakes already gave it to me. See - he's even sticking his tongue out at you!
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Saturday, May 24, 2008

Late Night Poker-Didn't-Even-Know-Her Rant

Y'all are getting my bad beat story right now, because it's my blog and I want to and because telling bad beat stories is what poker players do best. Too bad no one likes to listen to them because they are only variations on a theme that you've already seen or experienced a thousand times before.

I sat on my ass for six hours in a poker tournament, playing shrewdly and cultivating my puny stack since I had crap cards all afternoon. I had to endure a linguistics debate between two rednecks during one of the breaks. The two cute regulars didn't show and I didn't even drink any beer. And then I finally get AA with two all-in callers. I'll shorten the story to the point where I say that my two callers BOTH ended up with better hands than me and I had to physically force my arm from my side to shake hands before storming out. I finished 20th out of 62.

Losing with AA always blows and I worked up a pretty good rage on the ride home. Do you know what kills a good rage? Yeah, that's right ... Cat Stevens and "The Wind" popping up during your iPod shuffle.

And while I'm ranting, do you know what else I hate? That 85% of all Marylanders drive in the passing lane. It's the honest truth and take it from a girl who drives to Georgia at least twice a year - once you pass into North Carolina - it's like a whole new world. People ACTUALLY stay right except to pass. I give a big thumbs up to all North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia drivers and the fact that I can travel in a pack going 80 mph with no prob.

With Cat Stevens luring me out of my rage and the freaks in the left hand lane spurring me back on, the ride home was a little too trippy for my liking. In fact this post is getting a little trippy for me and the Salt-n-Vinegar chips I was eating just tore up my mouth so I had to eat some Kix cereal to counteract that, but now I feel all bloaty.

To end my rant, my poor sock swapee, Diana, is probably crying because I haven't sent out her socks yet because of the stoopid eBay person - and here's proof in case you don't believe me:


Hello, the week was nuts so they
just went out yesterday. Sorry about the small delay. Thanks again for your
order.
- 69baby


And everyone knows that if an eBayer has '69' in their screen name, then they must be reputable.

p.s - I gave up trying to format this cruddy post. Apologies for the aesthetically unappealling alignment.
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Friday, May 23, 2008

Party a la GirlChild ... and Love Ducks!

Holy Sealy Pillowtop Mattress Batman! - I'm wiped.

GirlChild's party was fun in the way that a twister ripping through Oklahoma is fun. See how I force my guests to go chase my patio umbrella through the neighborhood:

Please - I was doing more important things like shoving chips in my face. I had quickly calculated the energy/time needed to extricate my hips from the plastic lawn chair vs. other moms taking care of the situation thereby saving myself 3.2 Joules of something (good grief - I got bored just trying to investigate physics just now...snooze....)

GirlChild and friend romping in the kiddie-wind-chill-factor-fun-pool:

Dressing up proved warmer and more popular - and those five year old bodies are still squeezing themselves into the infamous cat suit.

Now we don't just hang with ordinary folk around here. Here is WitchyGirl's dad. CatGirl's mom has this. Princess GirlChild's mom likes to eat this.

And just in case you were feeling the need to discuss more aspects of duck love, I'll let you know that we've got a little ménage à trois now. You go girl!

I'm honestly going to attempt to write up something a little more blogworthy this weekend. I mean...posting pics of rapist ducks (you'll need to fish through the comments for all that) is really scraping the bottom of my mental barrel.

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

Phoning It In

Sorry peeps - GirlChild's birthday party is today so I need to do a complete rehash of last Saturday, only with smaller kids and more pink.

I'll leave you with a comic from one of my favorite sites: http://www.xkcd.com/.

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

BoyArt in 4 Parts

BoyChild is working on adjectives at school. Or at least that's what I'm going with based on the paper in four parts that he brought home on Monday. Let's examine:

What this picture is telling me is that after a whole year of art class, he's mastered stink lines and slapped the fastest thing down on paper that looked like a good smelling pitzza.

The teacher is now aware that we have stinky garbage in the house. The stink line is not as wavy as with the pitzza, probably indicating a sharper odor. Come on BoyChild...GirlChild draws better than that!

The best item he could come up with for "tasting good" is ICE?

Alice: Now if you guys are good and finish all your vegetables, we'll have ice for dessert!

BoyChild and GirlChild: YAY! YUM!

I can only be thankful that he didn't write "Mom's fart smells disgusting." And that he spared us a picture of a pig with stink lines.
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Monday, May 19, 2008

Weekender Plus Monday Slots Extravaganza

Sit back and hold tight - this weekend was a non-stop rollercoaster of excitement. You've already seen the remains of Delta Tau from the previous post.

Sunday was all about the Majestic Dawn Prerelease Pokemon Tournament where I discovered that the best possible way to have every boy from ages 8 to 18 follow after you like you had Shakira's ass and Dolly Parton's boobs was to find a Garchomp X in your new card pack. I've never been more popular in my life. The fellow in blue below has already promised me seven rares and I'm pretty sure I could get him to detail my car and babysit my kids.



I finished the tournament with a respectable 3-2 record and BoyChild went 1-3. The one game he won (pictured below) went into some sort of crazy-assed double overtime because they couldn't knock out each other's Pokemon.

Be nice to her BoyChild. She may be the only one who'll date you in high school.

I'd had two very full days at this point and passed out on Sunday evening. Monday morning at 7:00 am, Babycakes pokes me awake - "Aren't you going out with Kyra today?"

"WHO...WHHAAAA?!?!?"

It is a testament to my exhaustion that I could forget about a day playing the slots - love of my life - second only to...well...nothing. Sorry Babycakes - if only you had a Bonus Round. I scramble for clothes, Babycakes throws his EZPass into my car and I rush out to pick up my companion in delinquency so we can head to Dover Downs in Delaware for a little slot action.

EZPass lets you slide on through the tolls without stopping, but I don't have the snazzy velcro on my windshield to hold it up. So when I get to the Bay Bridge toll I stick my arm out waving the EZPass around. Nothing. I'm more surprised that I didn't drop it and run it over. The lady in the booth just looked at me sadly and the short story is that we ended up throwing a couple bucks at her. Screw you EZPass.

The road to Dover Downs is pretty much all backroad farmland. I found the perfect place to get that commissioned meat sculpture I'd been wanting for the bedroom.


Once we arrived, Kyra and I spent a good six hours cycling money through the machines, having discussions like this:

Kyra: Woo Hoo - I just won 145 nickels!
Alice: How much is that?
Kyra: I don't know.

Alice: Those three leprechauns right there, that should be worth something, right?!?!

Kyra: I'm playing 'The Price Is Right' until I get the bonus Plinko round dammit.

In the end - it was a damned fine day at the slots because after a full six hours - Kyra left with an extra $1.10 and I was only down $9.40. FANTABULOUS! Best finish EVER!

On the ride home, we found these words of wisdom about how God is similar to items from Wal-Mart.


We stopped at Holly's for a bite to eat and successfully filled out all 50 states with their capitals on the paper placemat while we waited. We also had mucho tea and some dessert. My pie is gone and I hope that the picture is bad enough that you can't see my tongue streaks on the plate. I also hope the picture is bad enough that you can't see where we had to fudge some of the state capitals.


My only regret from dinner is that I wasn't able to record the woman at the next table go on a 10 minute spiel about her love for Honey Wheat Bread. True story.

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Sunday, May 18, 2008

How BoyChild's Birthday Was Like A Frat Party

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