Friday, May 30, 2008

Sox - The Lorena Way

Yee Haw! - The sox from The Smiling Infidel's sock exchange have arrived today from the illustrious Jean Knee. Jean Knee wrote (and I quote) - "I tried to get you some hot sox but my podunk town doesn't have any."

But her podunk town sure as hell has sox that can force a cankle when photographed. I can get everyone I know to attest that I DO NOT in fact have cankles. Between the mirage-y appearance of a cankle, some really dry skin and the fact that my size 11 foot is turning some simple polka dots into a Meat Lovers Supreme, I almost didn't post this picture. My bloggy pal Sue just snagged Photoshop and I'm sure she could have done some voodoo with Prince Caspian's head, but I'll just block out the ugly with MS Paint.

It was unanimously decided under my dictatorship that GirlChild would model the other sox.

In an effort to understand the sock issues faced in Lorena, Texas - I consulted the first page of stuff that cropped up on Google. The Handbook of Texas Online gave me what was probably the driest page of information of ANY city in the United States of America, nay, the world.

The most interesting (and I use that term loosely) bits of information they throw out are population statistics and the banks that have opened and closed since the 1850's. I nodded off just writing that sentence. Come on! I mean...aren't there shootouts in Texas? Saloons? Sam Houston took a crap there?

Y'all may or may not know that I spent a good chunk of time working for the Census Bureau so I immediately felt compelled to make a graph of the population fluctuations. I felt compelled until I realized I had a new version of Excel and needed Babycake's help, whereupon he said, "Gahh....I'd rather take a lick from the Cup of Death than look at the population data of Lorena, TX again." You may not be able to read the miniscule numbers but I'll sum up by saying that by 2000, they were up to Pop. 1433.

Yeah - that graph is pretty damned dull, even by Census standards. I'll spruce it up by letting a Hershey Bar represent 200 people.

Is there NO way to make this interesting?!


Jean Knee - thank you for my sox! And thank you for letting me take a pot shot at your town.

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Amended Post: After my other bloggy pal Bee brought it to my attention (I was being pressured by Babycakes to play World of Warcraft while I was typing up this post) - I will say that the BEST part of Lorena, TX is that they are lucky to have Jean Knee gracing it! Maybe I could hack my way into the online Texas Handbook and stick that in there. That would be totally cool. And have a wonderful Happy Birthday! Woo hoo!

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Humor-Bloggers for Lorena, TX!

21 Comments :

Bee said...

Okay. You left out the best thing about L, Texas. JEAN KNEE LIVES THERE! :o)

Nice graph!

Suze's Sass said...

Love the socks and the graphs. I'm especially fond of graphs of Hershey Bars.

Alice said...

Bee - You are soooo right! My husband was trying to bump me from the computer as I was typing that up so he could play World of Warcraft. I couldn't take the pressure.

The best part of the population of 1433 is that 1 Jean Knee is gracing it!

Suze - Yeah, although creating a graph of Hershy bars definitely made me want to run to the 7-11.

Kelly said...

Love the Hershey's..
Omg you play WOW??? lol
My husband is on that damn game all the time.. He is always buying wow gold and crap...I am purchasing a shirt that says
"WOW WIDOW" haha now he got a new one called Conan. Does your hubs have that one?

Sean C said...

Haha, don't know who Jean Knee is. Does that make me a bad person? You seem to find fun and humor in all situations I like that. I enjoy your posts. Oh and +1 for the Hersheys idea. Much more palatable.

Jean Knee said...

see,I told you it was Podunk. I did okay considering what I had to work with.

the donkey population has recently gone up here, can you graph that too?

Jean Knee said...

That's also why we put a lot of Polka Dots on things around here.

Alice said...

Kelly - I don't play WoW because I need another addiction like a smack in the head. If you find a WoW Widow shirt - I'll totally take one. Babycakes does not have Conan...yet.

Sean - Thanks! And you just had to go and say Hershey again. I'm glad they put that 7-11 in just down the street now.

JK - I'll get crackin' on that donkey graph although I'm still peeved at Microsoft for effin' everything up. I can't even find functions on WORD anymore and it's pissing me off. If it's any consolation I briefly lived in New Boston, TX near Texarkana and I remember a whole lotta nothing happening there.

Mary Witzl said...

Ooh -- I'd let you take a pot shot at my hometown anyday! (Riverside, California. Very hot and smoggy.)

I like the Hershey bar graph too. It made me a little less graphophobic.

Tracy said...

I'd have to say that the Hershey bar graph was my favorite. Is there nothing that chocolate will make better?
And I love the polka dotted sox!

bex said...

Omg...I have goose bumps. We have SO MUCH in common! First of all, I also claim to not have cankles! Second of all I also wear size 11's. Sucks, doesn't it?

Thanks for the link you sent earlier. It was hilarious!!

Diesel said...

Can I request 3 Musketeers and Monica Bellucci for your next graph?

JD at I Do Things said...

Ozzy + Hershey Bars = Crazy Delicious.

JD at I Do Things

Alice said...

Mary - I'll check out Riverside, but I would find it difficult to believe that as little happened there as in Lorena. Seriously.

Tracy - Chocolate is my weakness. Except when people try to pollute it with mint or raspberry. That should be a crime.

Bex - No prob, I was debating doing a post on it but my mind is too mushy this weekend for a hard hitting post on idiots.

Diesel - One graph coming up!

JD - You get bonus points for identifying Ozzy. I was wondering if anyone would. I drooled after him during Survivor. Stupid Amanda.

Sue said...

LOL! Thanks for the (link? trackback? I'm such a noob). I may be able to decapitate hot celebrities, but you have mad graph skillz!!!!!!!!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

The Pancho's Mexican Buffet went out of business in Lorena. Jean Knee herself told me so. Losing out on all-you-can-eat chili rellenos with processed cheese sauce....that is the root of infinite sadness.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

The other best thing about Lorena, Tx is that I live 2 1/2 hours away from there.

2 1/2 hours equals something like 8o bucks in gas money to get there.

Jenn Thorson said...

Aw, come on, Alice-- we know about your tent worms... we've gone hiking with you... we share in pollen down the cleavage...

You draw the line at showing the sock-induced optical illusion of canckles? :)

gadragonfly said...

I will back my sister up that she does not have cankles. If she did I would have to start a family intervention. Get you Wii Fit girls. It's a blast & will help with the cankles. Darn Hershey's why do you make such yummy chocolate that is so irrestible!

Alice said...

Sue - No prob! You crack me up.

Elastic - You're like a mathematician philosopher at heart I can tell using words like 'root' and 'infinite sadness'. You've missed your calling.

Jenn - Believe me, there's nothing to look at these days which is why you ain't seeing much in the way of current photos. Now excuse me while I go for a walk since I found out where Babycakes is hiding the Hershey bars.

Thanks D! I appreciate the endorsement.

Alice Wills Gold said...

Hey, I just came over from elastic waist band lady..I saw the name Alice and could not resist.

it is so great to know that there is another Alice out there in the blogosphere.

Lovin the covered up ankle...really, was it that bad?
I think you were too hard on yourself.

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