Thursday, May 15, 2008

Crappy Homes & Crappier Gardens

I know you people can't get enough of my professionally landscaped yard and tales of mowing. Let's take a tour of the land and observe some of the carefully thought-out details.

This is our pond. Calling it a 'pond' is being generous - let's try stagnating pool of fetid fish guts or my-toddler-just-fell-in-and-now-I'm-suing-you. That sounds about right.

The previous owners carefully leveled the land for maximum exposure of the black plastic liner.


I would also point out the graceful Koi, but it's hard to see past the slime. We're harboring the cockroaches of the fish world in that pond.

Pond also used to have a waterfall, but we should all know by know that if it was put in by the crackheads, it wouldn't stand up to the test of time. It involved running an underground extension cord to a motor mostly exposed to the elements and you know it was FUBAR. And so motor stopped, waterfall stopped and Babycakes and I have TRIED to extricate the waterfall water holding tank for aesthetic purposes.

Babycakes and I didn't get too far. But the arc of white flowers over it looks nice - too bad it's a weed. Or maybe it's not...yeah, that's the ticket...we planted that there!

*NEWSFLASH* - Just caught two ducks IN the pond of death. I suspect they've been chowing down on the fish of doom. I wasn't fast enough with the camera to catch them in the act, but here they are. If they survive the fish - I suspect they'll become the cockroaches of the duck world.

In an effort to add some trees to my barren acreage - I bought eight Douglas Firs. They were put out of hose range in the wayback and were unable to take the drought last summer. I've got eight of these brown beauties in a lovely arc at the back.

Also out of hose-range in the wayback is our friend Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy didn't give a shit about the drought.

The crackheads, on an exceptional high, decided that onionskin colored irises were the bomb. When Babycakes turns his head, I pull the roots up on those puppies and yet they still manage to multiply behind my back. Must be the cockroach of the iris world.

Master Gardener Alice signing off.


Click on Humor-Blogs - most of those other folk don't talk about their yards so much.


Jenn Thorson said...

To use a quote from the movie, "Funny Farm"-- "Look honey, we have ducks-- we're duck owners!"

So, um, how many heads do your koi have? And have they evolved to breathe in some unique way?

Me, I need to attend to my own "Back Four." (It's too small to be the back forty; it's basically a postage stamp with weeds.) I just need it to stop raining long enough to get something done.

Wishing you cleaner waters and irises with greater panache... :)

Kimber said...

BWAHAHAHA! Want picture of fish. STAT! And count yourself lucky, at least you don't have a tropical themed backyard, courtesy of my husband, the crackhead. (WE LIVE IN CANADA! GAH!)

Bex said...

There are parts of my yard that bother me so much I literally pretend like I can't see them. Cuz if I can't see them, they can't bother me. Right??

Alice said...

Jenn - I honestly don't know what the fish are, but the owners left a Koi Care kit, so I can only assume. There used to be tons - but since a toddler friend threw some unknown into the pond, the water's definitely more dank than ever and I've only spotted 2 lately. I think whatever is in there must have evolved into lungfish or something. I sometimes wish I had 4 instead of 40 for sure.

Kimber - Your husband didn't by any chance do construction in MD a few years back did he? Working on fish photos for ya. Do you want a

Bex - Hey..that's why I'm shooting for a complete grass/hedge conversion. I like flowers, but it gets to be a lot of maintenance. LALALALALAA....can't see you....can't see you...

Shieldmaiden96 said...

We have a yard full of intrusive BAMBOO. Not the pretty Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon kind, the kind that springs up looking like some sort of red cabbage and quickly grows. Once in a while I go outside with my $7 machete I bought at the 'Do-It Center' and hack that crap to death. It serves two purposes; control of the bamboo, and minimization of yard intrusion by the kids three doors down, who are disinclined to run through my yard in Spiderman costumes when I'm outside wielding a machete.

Meg said...

We have a hole in our backyard--30 feet in circumference and 6 feet in dept. Yes, it's true. One of our brilliant ideas to let boys be boys and dig their hearts out as a way to keep them off of the Xbox.

If you're not too busy killing more innocent flowers, hop over to my lastest post. I've joined "Blogger Unite for Human Rights" and you'll see a softer side of Meg-sort of.

Kelly said...

Haha love your blog..found it through..uh..can't remember..good reads though!
btw, I'm Kelly!

Alice said...

Shieldmaiden - You just stepped into way-cool category by using a machete! Machetes were the gardening tool of choice in Kenya (but were called pangas).

Meg - WOW - we've got our own backyard hole that the kids play around with, but nothing like that! That needs a post for sure. I'm cool with the hole though because they can play with it for hours.

Hi Kelly! Thanks for swinging by. Do us a favor and bring drinks next time though. ; )


We planted something called Celosia 3 years ago. Like most child actors they were so adorable when they were young but turned hideous and menacing and predatory as they grew so I pulled them. Do you know that every spring we get celosias trying to grow all over the yard?

I'm making a horror movie about them:
The Flower That Refused To Die


I found out something so disturbing about ducks from the Houston Chronicle last year. Apparently duck dicks are quite huge and can grow into a corkscrew looking twisted appaendage. The females all have differently shaped internal walls to handle it. They showed a picture and I swear the females innards looked like a freakin maze.

Ducks are also into rape. I don't know if you know that. They're not just cockroaches. They're rapist cockroaches.

Bex said...

Elastic - I would give up my iPod to not know that about duck dicks. So THANKS. Now every time I take my sweet children to the park I'm gonna be ALL eyes. I just hope that I don't lust. That would be wildly embarrassing. And inappropriate.

As for the rape thing, don't all animals have forcible sex of some kind? It's not like Mr. Duck can take Mrs. Duck out for a chick flick and some Thai food. Then, as she's reading in bed he starts rubbing her lower back and she thinks, "Jesus. AGAIN?! What am I, a machine?! He's never gonna buy that I have yet another headache...."

Bee said...

I always wish my garden/yard was bigger but you know what? It seems to involve allot of work!

My weeds are pretty purple flowers. Whenever I try to kill them, my niece tells me it's her special garden. Those freakin things are indestructible!

what's a donzer said...

I feel so intimidated right now. I am so out of my element in all things backyard except drinking cocktails on the deck. I love that you have koi. Ever since Danielsan pimped out Miyagi's yard, I have wanted koi. Yet another reason to live vicariously through you!!!

Tracy said...

My favorite are your little brown trees. They really make a wonderful statement. They remind me of the Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

And irises do spread, badly. Good luck getting rid of all of them! Hey, who's to say that onion colored isn't the new black?

Alice said...

I swear - you go and ice a few birthday cakes and you miss all the action.

Elastic - I've actually tried to grow celosia before but I don't have a lot of success with it.

Elastic & Bex - Good morning! Didn't know about the duck weenie, but I think hogs or boars have the same thing. Let's just say I know about that from a little story about a man who paid the price for trying to get jiggy with the pig.

Bee - I kinda dig the weeds that are somewhat pretty too. And my yard actually wouldn't be so much work except for the crackheads leaving behind a wake of destruction.

Donzer - I wanted BADLY to be sitting outside last night with a gin & tonic, but I was dedicated to icing. It was so nice temperature-wise. Let's have a drink together vicariously. (Does that even make sense as a sentence?!

Tracy - Yeah! Why didn't we use those sad ol' things at Christmas?! And if you're interested I'll be glad to ship you some iris cuttings. Lots of iris cuttings. I'll let you have the new black in your yard. ; )

David said...

jazdtI love gardening...but only with hired help.

David said...

Oh my, I don't know where that jazdt came from. My comment got spammed I guess.

Sue said...

LOL - we also inherited a "WATER FEATURE" (realtor's words) that had maybe 4 fish a running pump and waterfall. Now the pump and waterfall are broken, we don't give a crap, the pond is scum but those horny fish are friggin' multiplying like crazy. My husband says it's because the water's so murky they can get busy without being watched.

p.s. I need you to know that "mother pus bucket" is now my new favorite saying.

Alice said...

David - I can only dream of hired help. *sigh* Just waiting for my kids to gain a few years for forced indenture.

Sue - That is SOOOO what we have! I swear there were at least 25 visible fish as some point. I really think those ducks got a bunch or the water's just too nasty now. I've only seen two lately. And yeah - "water feature" my ass. That pond is exactly where my pool will be going when I win the lottery.

gadragonfly said...

I like Bex's idea of if you don't see it it isn't there. Unfortunately the side of my house that I neglect faces my neighbor who is a landscaper. I'm sure he loves it.
You can have some of my trees if you want. That will be my first lottery win purchase, tree removal.

Mary Witzl said...

For some reason, this post really cheered me up. I've spent most of this week tackling our myriad dandelions, ground elder (like the national debt), sticky willy (nasty plant with amazing Velcro tendencies) and stinging nettles. Underneath all of this, flowers could bloom.

Yellow irises really are a mistake. We had some of those too once. But those ducks -- they're a Godsend! Imagine how they can decimate your slugs!

Alice said...

Thanks D! And I'll take your trees anyday.

Mary - I lived in Italy when I was younger and we had nettles all over the yard. I can still vividly remember how terrible my hands would look after getting into them. And we have what you call 'sticky willy' too. (I never called it anything but 'weed' before. I like the name!)

You must have a whole menagerie of pests that I'm not getting. We don't seem to have any animal problems aside from the huge ant infestation during the summers.

jennie said...

wow! I can't believe that we live so far apart and yet have the same gardener.

Ice Machine Pump said...

Wow really very great it is very difficult to believe..........

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