I'm Alive (Barely)

I'm so sorry folks. I had every intention of writing something witty this weekend about the hellish existence I've been living since last Friday.

Advice: After a seven year hiatus as a stay-at-home mom, DON'T take on a full time job teaching high school math a few days before school starts.

I don't want to see another piece of paper. Ever.

A highlight so as not to leave my peeps hanging: While carting approximately 300 lbs of Algebra text books (1 of 5 trips) to my classroom, a teacher in the hall stopped to say hello and then asked what I taught. I wiped the sweat from my brow and looked down at the cart of ALGEBRA books.

Math.

I teach math.

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The students are OK.

I told them that if I catch them writing love notes - I CAN GUARANTEE IT WILL BE GOING VIRAL ON THE INTERNET WITHIN A WEEK.

Oh - an puh-leeze - I can live without seeing another freakin' Hollister shirt. How unoriginal.

Must go. Love you all. I miss you tons. Really! *weep*

Scary Days

I can't thank you enough for all the positive vibes and comments.

I love you all, but I must now freak out since I just carried my three teacher-edition texts home and they weighed in at 18 lbs. No lie. I've got a SmartBoard in my class that I don't know how to use, classes start Wednesday and my new best friend (who doesn't know it yet) is most unfortunately sharing her last name with a South Park character. I imagine her high-school teaching life is a living hell.

I will try to visit all your bloggy goodness as time permits and type up a worthy report at the end of next week.

I figure that getting this job was meant to be since I have found THE most perfect shirt, as V. Ice will model for you. (PS - No time for a decent clean up job on this pic.)

"if there was a problem

yo I'll solve it"

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Alice Outta Commission

Friends...

Alice has been working the system to obtain employment since BoyChild and GirlChild are both kickin' the elementary school scene this year.

Alice has been Googling the hell out of past universities to find obscure phone numbers and zip codes. And trying to figure out her GPA for education related classes minus the grades she received in Bowling, Golf and Ceramics I divided by the number of classes she skipped in 8:00 am Philosophy and Human Growth and Development. *damn, I'm nodding off just writing those classes down*

People.... philosophy at 8:00 am is just a bad idea. Don't do it.

Alice has been poppin' the xanax like they were tic-tacs.

Alice is starting to talk like Rickey.

If things go well on Friday, I will most likely be disappearing for several days. For a chick who hasn't taught in a classroom in over twelve years - the prospect is daunting. Especially with only a handful of days before school starts and one pair of capris that don't look trashy.

It things go badly, I'll be hunkering down with V.Ice, my tic-tacs and a needle and working up a whole new wardrobe for V.Ice's upcoming weekly sitcom. Since I'll be jobless. And have ample free time. Ample free time to Google more pics of men's beach volleyball player, Phil Dalhausser. Hey....shut up! It calms me down. See... I'm calm already.

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Do a girl a favor and click some smileys over at Humor-Blogs since I may not be around for a bit.

Middle Finger Moments in Africa

Sorry peeps. Suffering blog apathy and major mental blocks. Mowing and weeding are looking more palatable than sitting down to write.

As I was leafing through the photo albums, trying to jog some suppressed memories to the surface, I noted that I have a lot of pics with my middle finger in the air or a get-away-you-dumb-MF-and-let-me-wallow-in-my-misery type face. Why do you think people loved traveling with me so much? You'd think it was my sparkling personality, but really it was my willingness to slam my hand against the side of a pick-up truck and yell at shifty drivers that I'd just overpaid to haul my ass from point A to point B while sitting under a faded UN tarp in the rain.

(*Disclaimer: These pics are OLD. Alice has since borne a few kids and eaten her weight in Hershey Bars. Alice is roughly double the size you see in the pictures now.*)

(* Just read a comment and thought I'd catch my new readers up - I taught math in Kenya for two years with the Peace Corps. Got around a bit while I was there and afterwards.*)

Case 1: Alice riding bike in Kakamega, Kenya

My dear friend Chris lived in western Kenya near the very lush Kakamega rainforest and took me on an outing with another volunteer (pictured below). Riding bikes through a rainforest sounds exciting and lovely, doesn't it?

In fact, not so much. Look closely at the road in the picture above. That is mud. When you ride a bike through mud, your tires sink, you slide off the road if there is ANY sort of inclination and instead of a ride-through-the-rainforest, you end up pushing-a-bike-through-the-rainforest. It was middle-finger worthy.

Case 2: Alice waiting for matatu in I-have-no-idea-where-I-am, Kenya

(*clicking the matatu link above will fill you in on what they are*)

I'd love to be able to give you a more exact location, but Chris, Rena and I had gotten dropped at this particular location with the assurance that another matatu would come along, headed in the direction we need to get to. I know that you think the picture below doesn't look so bad. It's green with trees and it could be worse. It was.

(*side note - how could any man not want me when I wore the purple sack with sneakers?*)


Here is Chris in the middle of the road watching the incoming grey clouds.



No vehicle had passed us in over three hours.

The mystery matatu came as night and rain began to fall. It gave new meaning to the term "seething, stinking mass of humanity". But you know... the seething, stinking mass of humanity was preferable to dark, wet and outside alone.

Case 3: Alice waiting for lift in Sinai, Egypt

Mt. Sinai to the coast anyone? Hello? Bueller? Sitting in the middle of the desert was more boring than it may appear. I'm sure this picture was taken at a distance because I was gnashing teeth at folks who got too close.


I mastered this position as you'll see in the next photo too.

Case 4: Alice on train in Egypt

This is the look of a gal who had a ticket with a seat assignment until her two friends decided to jump the earlier train from Alexandria to Cairo.


By jumping the earlier train, you can see for yourself where Alice's seat assignment ended up. I still can't imagine how I didn't get my middle finger up in time for that shot.

Case 5: Rena at Bwindi Inpenetrable Forest, Uganda

OK - this isn't me, but Rena was one of my bestest travel companions and since I love her so much and managed to cheese her off more often than not, I thought I'd include my favorite picture of her. I can almost hear Rena now - "Get the hell away from me you immature dopes and let me soak my feet in peace." I'm pretty sure she was giving me the mental finger.

*BONUS PIC - JUST ADDED*

Sorry - last minute addition. I'm guessing that Joey's finger is saying - "Why Alice... I'm busy washing my clothes in your scary, black bathing room where I've been hunched over scrubbing out my underwear and socks for many minutes."




She was a fool. Life was easier if you never wore socks or underwear.

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Check out some funny folk at Humor-Blogs.

Honey Pie Weekend Update

For blogging purposes (OK... that's a lie) BoyChild and I went to Aardvark's for the Pokemon Legends Awakened pre-release tournament where I've discovered a fear that has a very real chance of manifesting.

Aardvark's has ONE bathroom and that bathroom opens directly up to a field of tables peopled with boys under the age of 15. In my heart of hearts, I know that one day I'll be in that bathroom, will have failed to lock the door securely and twenty boys are going to get an eyeful of my pasty white thighs against the backdrop of a Spiderman shower curtain.

In keeping with my AllMediocre button on the right, I had a 2-2 finish. My self-esteem remains intact since I was never paired with the kid who got an invite to the World Pokemon Championships. *whew* Crisis averted.

We attended a birthday celebration for Babycake's relatives smack dab in between DC and Baltimore. Traffic was shitty. In an effort to dodge backup on the Beltway and the BW Parkway we poked through the Agricultural Research area which is just a tad high on the desolate/eerie-o-meter.

Me: So what exactly are they researching here?

Babycakes: No idea.

Me: I bet there are sheep with three eyeballs like 'Blinky' in The Simpsons.

Babycakes: Hmmm... (hunches over and works feverishly on his Games magazine)

Me: I bet it's that rice that's got the vitamins in it already.

Babycakes (looking at me like I'm 'special'): Yeah, that's it... because we've got corn on either side of us that's seven feet high.

The party was pretty fun if you could answer trivia questions about Red Skelton and The Lone Ranger. That eliminated about half of us so I spent some time sitting over by the kids and the bubble machine. And by 'some time', I mean 'all my time' aside from that which I spent at the buffet table gathering the remnants of the olive tray and the honey mustard pretzel bits to gnaw on.

I've decided that those thin plastic tableclothes are just about completely pointless. Unless they are taped down, a kid is just going to mess with it enough to spill everything anyway.

I saved the day at the kid's Halloween-Bucket-Decoration-Table when the pink glitter glue pen got clogged and I was able to mash my earring through the tip. By reporting this, I am revealing how hard up for weekend material I am, while SOME folks were living the Wilco dream only several miles away. I was thinking of you the whole time Meg, while gouging the plastic with my sterling silver hoop.

Other weekend excitement - puchased toner for printer.

*hangs head*

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Posted at Humor-Blogs

V.Ice: Olympic Quadrathlete

Dear Diary,

I made it! I am offically representin' as the first US Olympic Quadrathlete! "The Ocho" caught up with me at the airport in Beijing with a few cashiers from China's first Mickey D's. That was right before some heavily armed dudes confiscated my sign and stole my porn and back-up porn outta my duffle.

Dear Diary,

This Olympic Village is SWEET! It's like living in the middle of the Giant Panda All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Only with less waitstaff making hocking noises in the back.

Mary Lou took me back to her room. We kicked Kerri Strug out and she showed me some new moves for my rhythmic gymnastics routine. Heh, heh, heh... yeah... rhythmic gymnastics...

Dear Diary,

Who knew Chinese condoms would break like that? I hope ML is on the pill.

My first event this morning was on the high bar. I forgot to pack my cup and racked myself twice. The only thing that kept me going was my hot, fervent desire not to end up as a viral video. I nailed the landing and should have scored a perfect 10, but the Russian judge took offense when I laughed at Olga Stolichnaya's hairy pits.

Dear Diary,

My rhythmic gymnastics routine with the ball was FLAWLESS (almost). You really can't go wrong with 50 Cent. But it's like the Chinese have all these decency laws and kept bleeping out words and they have cameras EVERYWHERE. I lost serious marks when Bart Conner winked at me and I stepped out of bounds. Dammit.

Dear Diary,

My third event was the high jump. I think I'm going to end up on YouTube anyway. I had perfect form going up and over. The problem was I didn't go up an over the high bar, but the railing for the concession stand. Shut up Diary! The sun was baking my brain out there and Mary Lou was yelling 'EPT' from the sidelines.

Dear Diary,

My final event, the long jump, was this afternoon. My training in gymnastics has definitely paid off. I totally flew by Carl Lewis using a new technique I like to think I came up with called the "Vanilla Nut Buster." OK, it only got the name after the first time I tried this and couldn't get my back leg moved around for the landing.

Ha Ha... Carl was SOOO mad. He kept whining about "one at a time" and "get off the track".

Dear Diary,

That dumbass Ivan swore the juice was undetectable. Not only did I fail my drug test, but it turns out I've got the clap too. The Chinese are deporting me AND THEY EVEN KEPT MY HUSTLER! CNN wants to do a live interview regarding the scandal, but my publicist is holding out for People Magazine.

Yours,

V.Ice

ps. Call ML re: VD.

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Clicky a smiley over at Humor-Blogs for me, shǐ gāo xìng.

The Legend of Winter's Song

Once upon a time, there was a little ride-on toy.



The buttons on this toy were situated so perfectly, that when BoyChild rode it, his thighs would activate the buttons EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Mom told herself that the battery would die soon. Because toy companies are cheap bastards.

But after a whole year - the battery didn't die!



The song from the toy had etched itself into Mom's grey matter. And in a bad way.

Mom became pregnant with GirlChild and craved meat through the winter. In between staring daggers at the little ride-on toy.


In February, Mom was extremely round with child when the heat pump broke, the snow was falling and Mom called for help!

Mom was tired of wearing five layers of clothing around the house.


Mom got a phone call from the Heat Pump Guys who said they couldn't fix the heat pump because the driveway hadn't been shoveled. Even though they hadn't said it needed to be shoveled over the phone. And they were parked right in front of the house making the phone call.



Heat Pump Guys lied and said they had told Dad to shovel the driveway. It was a lie, because only Mom was on the phone with them.

So Mom threw on some boots and a coat and went out to their van in the street hoping that her huge belly would sway the Heat Pump Guys into action. But they were cold and heartless and Mom raged at them. Mom may or may not have used the "F" word. And the Heat Pump Guys left.


Mom was so livid when she returned to the house that she punted the little, musical ride-on toy across the living room. Hard. Plastic on the side snapped off. The seat was forever broken. But as if to say it's own version of the "F" word, the little toy broke into song.

And refused to die.

Until Mom took it to the dump. Where you can hear it continue to play if you listen very carefully on a snowy, winter's day.


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(ps. I've only hit a full-on rage state three times in my entire life. Don't fear me.)

Posted at Humor-Blogs

Zombification

My fam has a history of visiting the chop shop, so I've considered a few options in the realm of plastic surgery and decided that zombification would be the easiest and cheapest route since I'm halfway there.

Examing my face in the mirror last night, I noticed some definite facial sag / jowls manifesting by the mouth. (And if you know me in person and you say those jowls have always been there, then just shut up.) I did a few mini-lifts with my fingers which only confirmed their presence.


Pull Back Face - Yay! I look 10 years younger!

Let Go of Face - Hogatha



GirlChild: Mom, can I have some juice?
Alice: No. I can't let go of my face.

"Breaking Dawn" came out this past weekend and it's a monster at over 700 pages. (*warning - about to offend most Twilight reader*) The book is mediocre at best, and yet I must finish to find out how it all ends. My eyes are protruding and bloodshot from staying up so late and my left elbow, (the one I lean on when I'm reading) is requiring that special lotion for cracked heels - the stuff that's like slapping pure lard on your body. And after I slather it on my elbow - I have to slather it on my actual cracked heels from flapping around in flip-flops all day.

Haven't touched a razor in a week. Can zombies be hairy?

My right arm and left instep started itching a few days back. I scratched plenty. It got red and oozy. I'm pretty sure at this point it's poison ivy that I picked up from the cat because it sure as hell hasn't been from doing yardwork since the weeds around the scum pond are starting to look like corn.

I like to give poison ivy a good headstart before treatment so I can look particularly zombie-ish when flashing my weeping sores at opposing Pokemon players. How else do you think I won a match this Sunday against Pokemon Sue (the only other woman with the guts to show up on Sundays)? As soon as she slapped Gardevoir down, I flashed my zombie arm at her and rubbed it over the cards a bit, subtley implying that I could pass it off to her if I so chose. But then my cards were sort of sticking together so the plan backfired in some regards.

Catch me first thing in the morning before I've hit the hairbrush and the coffepot and I'm not far off from this right now:

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Posted over at Humor-Blogs

Winners!

In what turned out to be probably the easiest raffle to win something we have winners. Carefully utilitzing the random number generator on random.org, they are:
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Twilight Necklace - Zen Momma - (Added you to my blogroll - how did I miss you before?!) I know your daughter will love and cherish this.
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Vampire Teeth - Terri Lynn (both random and because she was the sole guesser of 'Phury'. Although I'm not Phury's biggest fan. Sorry. I'm a Rhage gal.)
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Anti-Monkey Butt Powder - Sandy, Manger Mom and Elaine! And because I have an extra bottle from the 6-pack I bought, and because she rocks the Vader Helmet with me - FADKOG - I've got an extra with your name on it.
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Anti-Monkey Butt Powder Hat - Suzel of Suzel's Sass. My! What ever will your husband think?
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Hot Sox - Marie of Memarie Lane. EVERY very pregnant woman should have a pair of these Hot Sox when they deliver and their feet are up in stirrups. Unless you are doing it at home, in which case I guess you can squat in them.
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Thanks for playing along! You can shoot me your addresses here: zippyfinn (at) yahoo (dot) com and I'll get the awesomeness out to youz guyz right away! (Assuming my new fuel injectors are in and I get my car back this afternoon so I can get to the post office. Gah!)

Please Don't Be Shy!

My readers... I love you all... but you are the most selfless, least grabby folks on the Internet. I've seen bloggers giving away $5 gift cards to 7-11 and chicks were clawing at each other in the comment section to get to it.

Please read the post below this one and let me know what I can possible give TO YOU! By noon!

You may enter in as many drawings as you like. It's because I love you all dammit! Take my love. Take it, I said!

You there... lurker... I love you!

All you folks doing searches on "plantar wart toe" - I LOVE YOU!

All you people searching for "nude UNO" and "boy art" - not so much love. Go away.

I have spoken.

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(Oh crap! Or maybe I've just chosen really sucky prizes and it would have been better to get the 7-11 gift cards.)

Ta Da! (Free stuff!)

I would like to present the new and snazzy Honey Pie. Tsk, tsk…and you thought Darth Vader was my only secret crush. There’s a soft spot in my heart for vamps too.

(Please bear in mind that I'm still tweaking things around here. Don't judge me. Ha ha...that's so stupid. Hey everyone! Come look at my new look, but don't form any opinions yet! Hmmm...Okay?)

My first round of thanks goes to Pokémon Master Nick. Wait. Did I just write that out loud? Does he know I refer to him as that? I met him working the Pokémon tournaments at Aardvark’s. He's going to college for all sorts of fancy computer graphics stuff (stuff = things I don't know about computer graphics) and is the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. Or not meet. Because you don’t live in Maryland.

He did a bang-up job of putting this all together for me and I heartily recommend him for any of you other folks looking for a make-over. There's a banner on the right for nkirkpatrick.com if you'd like to check him out. But not in that way. Jeez, what a bunch of sickos.

You rock Nick!

I would also like to give a huge shout-out to Ms. Lisa Desimini who drew the original artwork which appeared on the book “Dead to the World” by Charlaine Harris.

Lisa allowed me to use her work and I can’t thank her enough for her kindness. And for not charging me anything. Because my car is in the shop, my dishwasher is busted, I have to pay Nick and I'm flat broke. I absolutely adore her quirky style and artwork. THANK YOU!

And now, for all my lovelies who kindly come to read my drivel each week – I've got some prizes for YOU to celebrate! Bring your friends! I’ll show you all the goodies and then you can leave me some love (or hate) in the comment section. Leaving hate will greatly increase the chance that your slip of paper 'accidentally' dissolves in a ring of coffee when I set my morning vat of joe on it. Puh-leeze. I was a statistician. I know how to manipulate the data.

Just let me know what prizes (that's right, it's plural) you'd like to be drawn randomly for and guess an answer (if you like) for a question coming up.

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Prize 1: In honor of a pretty decent vamp series with a new release coming out on August 2 (ahem... Breaking Dawn) we have:


Prize 2: With these bad boys, you can make your own custom-fit vampire teeth.



I like wearing mine on Halloween (and when I meet the kids' teachers or have dinner with the in-laws.) You too can enjoy this smaller, not-so-obnoxious pair. But to get these, you'll have to guess my favorite member of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. Heh heh heh... work a little people. Really, this s*** wasn't free. Winner picked randomly from those who guess correctly. Oh, and you only get one guess per person.

Prize 3: I'm guessing that the few male readers I have may not be interested in Twilight necklaces and such, but The Smiling Infidel can personally vouch for the following product:

We've got three bottles of this powdery butt gold to give away. End your chafing NOW by letting ME know you want to win the AMBP.

Prize 4: If chafing isn't your issue, but you still want to proclaim your love for Anti-Monkey Butt Powder - maybe a hat is more your style! I would like to give this particular freebie away to a regular reader/commenter at my blog.

Prize 5: And lastly, inspired once again by The Smiling Infidel's Hot Sox Exchange - you too can have a pair of the hottest sox in town.

I'll leave comments open until Monday at noon EST - just let me know what prizes you're interested in and I'll stick your name in a hat for what you chose. At that point I'll work up the winners and let you know. Unless I've had one too many gin & tonics on Monday night and come to the conclusion that Diesel has won every prize in an effort to suck up to the Big Kahuna himself. Can you buy a Smiley with some Butt Powder?

(It wouldn't hurt your chances and could possibly IMPROVE them in this completely random raffle to register your name over at Humor-Blogs and start clicking 'happy faces' next to any post with Honey Pie next to it. Thank you in advance.)