Thursday, August 7, 2008

V.Ice: Olympic Quadrathlete

Dear Diary,

I made it! I am offically representin' as the first US Olympic Quadrathlete! "The Ocho" caught up with me at the airport in Beijing with a few cashiers from China's first Mickey D's. That was right before some heavily armed dudes confiscated my sign and stole my porn and back-up porn outta my duffle.

Dear Diary,

This Olympic Village is SWEET! It's like living in the middle of the Giant Panda All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Only with less waitstaff making hocking noises in the back.

Mary Lou took me back to her room. We kicked Kerri Strug out and she showed me some new moves for my rhythmic gymnastics routine. Heh, heh, heh... yeah... rhythmic gymnastics...

Dear Diary,

Who knew Chinese condoms would break like that? I hope ML is on the pill.

My first event this morning was on the high bar. I forgot to pack my cup and racked myself twice. The only thing that kept me going was my hot, fervent desire not to end up as a viral video. I nailed the landing and should have scored a perfect 10, but the Russian judge took offense when I laughed at Olga Stolichnaya's hairy pits.

Dear Diary,

My rhythmic gymnastics routine with the ball was FLAWLESS (almost). You really can't go wrong with 50 Cent. But it's like the Chinese have all these decency laws and kept bleeping out words and they have cameras EVERYWHERE. I lost serious marks when Bart Conner winked at me and I stepped out of bounds. Dammit.

Dear Diary,

My third event was the high jump. I think I'm going to end up on YouTube anyway. I had perfect form going up and over. The problem was I didn't go up an over the high bar, but the railing for the concession stand. Shut up Diary! The sun was baking my brain out there and Mary Lou was yelling 'EPT' from the sidelines.

Dear Diary,

My final event, the long jump, was this afternoon. My training in gymnastics has definitely paid off. I totally flew by Carl Lewis using a new technique I like to think I came up with called the "Vanilla Nut Buster." OK, it only got the name after the first time I tried this and couldn't get my back leg moved around for the landing.

Ha Ha... Carl was SOOO mad. He kept whining about "one at a time" and "get off the track".

Dear Diary,

That dumbass Ivan swore the juice was undetectable. Not only did I fail my drug test, but it turns out I've got the clap too. The Chinese are deporting me AND THEY EVEN KEPT MY HUSTLER! CNN wants to do a live interview regarding the scandal, but my publicist is holding out for People Magazine.

Yours,

V.Ice

ps. Call ML re: VD.

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Clicky a smiley over at Humor-Blogs for me, shǐ gāo xìng.

42 Comments :

for a different kind of girl said...

I'm speechless from laughing at this. Also, that Bart Connor is a sassy one. He's lucky all 'Nilla did was step out of bounds!

(I went to work the other night and on the customer service computer was the book with your header illustration up on the screen, and I thought of you! Did you feel that? Ha!)

Bobbi said...

Excuse me - I must go change my pants! That was hilarious!

Memarie Lane said...

I got the Sox today, you're quick!

YogaforCynics said...

Congrats. I suspect that having a plastic nose and mouth is useful in Beijing, as you don't need an oxygen mask.

momjeansblogger said...

LMAO! That was funny. Thanks for the laugh. I think this one deserves a smiley!

momjeansblogger said...

I can't find your post on humor-blogs!

The Mom said...

LMAO! I love VI and ML!

Tracy said...

I wish I knew how to do these things on my blog like you do! I loved this!
I had no idea that Vanilla Ice was so athletic!

Cocotte said...

Wow - I just posted about the Olympics too, but mine is not nearly so amusing nor graphic!

Vanilla Nut Buster......LMAO....sounds like a new Blizzard flavor down at the DQ!

The Hypocritical One said...

Awesome...like a mini-episode of "Robot Chicken."

Hey It's Di said...

You seriously have me in tears with laughter right now! How do you come up with this stuff girl?

I'm so glad to see that the old folks like Mary Lou are still competing at the Olympics. That is too cool.

To answer your question about the last book- I DID NOT LIKE IT! What in the world was she on or drinking when she wrote that one? I could have done it better is all I'm saying:)

Ellie said...

Oh. My. God. You're hilarious!!!

Alice said...

FADKOG - I DID feel something..but I assumed it was Taco Bell. ; )

Bobbi - Thanks!

Marie - You're welcome - now go be a hot momma!

Yoga - I was going to try and work in the mask thing, but my MSPaint skillz are blech.

Cocotte - I thought it sounded edible too and was going to try and work the word 'parfait' into it. It was too much.

Tracy - You could totally do it. MSPaint, too much time and a camera.



MomJeans - Thanks! And yeah, my posts seem to take a good 5 hours before appearing. Ugh.

The Mom - Thanks! Love you too!

Alice said...

HypOne - Thanks. I keep seeing snippets of Robot Chicken and it's pretty funny.

Di - I want to completely rant on this book, but I don't want to ruin things for people who haven't read it yet. But it makes me SOOO angry.

Ellie - Thank you!

Caroline said...

OMG...so so funny! BTW, I am curious about your thoughts on the Twilight series...b/c I am lovin' me some Edward! swoon swoon...

Andy said...

Vanilla Nut Buster? Didn't I eat that at Dairy Queen before? hmmm...

good stuff.

Bee said...

Is it wrong that now that I know Ice can bend taht way I want him to call me??
Can you... will you, please tell him to call me?

Dan da Man said...

Everyone knows those condoms break Just ask my 8 kids.


Side note do not go crazy while on vaca in china (unless you bring an americian condom)

Mary Witzl said...

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes -- honestly. You have got a wonderfully warped sense of humor that appeals endlessly.

Love that Vanilla nut buster.

Alice said...

Caroline - I'll try to get back to you on the series. Just don't want to ruin it for others. Later babe!

Andy - I think you did. And you liked it.

Bee - He left 10 messages and is stalking you right now.

Dan - Were they CHINESE condoms? Greetings eight kids!

Mary - Thanks! I love you too!

MereCat said...

oh CRAP that was funny! Woo hoo! Made me feel so silly and childlike. Hooray!

HappyHourSue said...

So next would be the celebrity name-merge: "Vanilletton?" "Mary Lice"?

Where in the world did you get the outfit???????

Very funny.

p.s. u need to change your About me line re: photographs, since now all we have are Sims characters and vampire paintings.:)

Jenn Thorson said...

Ohmygosh... It's perhaps just as well that Vanilla Ice didn't cross-market himself in this way...

PS- where exactly does one find spandex 80s leggings for a Vanilla Ice doll...?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Steph said...

Hey, what's V.Ice's number? I have a positive EPT here I think he's responsible for...

Alice said...

MereCat - I'm glad you enjoyed it. : )

Sue and Jenn - The leggings came from some other doll I found at a yardsale and I had to sacrifice some old spandex shorts to make the top. I hate sewing for V.Ice. Need to scrounge the yardsales some more.

And Sue - yes...I want to add another real pic of me (even if it's old) I hate going to blogs where there is no pic because I lose the personal aspect of the blog and can't associate the writing with someone. For all of you reading this - ADD A PICTURE OF YOURSELF! Even if you're like me and it's 12 years old! When I was thinner. And less haggard!

LceeL said...

Ouch. That Vanilla Nut Buster hurts just to think about.

Where's my jockstrap?

Trooper Thorn said...

Vanilla Ice should be allowed to compete in any event he wants as long as he does so as a equestrian.
- equestrian diving
- equestrian boxing
- equestrian rowing

That I'd watch.

Thanks for letting us in on the raunchiness going on in the Olympic Village. I guess it's only retired gymnasts who have enough body fat to worry about getting pregnant. I think all the athletes competing are still waiting for their first periods.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

omg! you must have the BEST doll collection EVER! i'm seriously impressed with Ice, busted nuts and all. Hilarious!! :)

Robyn said...

ROFL!! Ice baby never learns.

I live in the same town as Bart and Nadia. They have a gymnastics school, but you almost never see them around town. Like they'll be attacked by autograph seekers at WalMart? Please.

Dan da Man said...

Well they worked like CHINESE condoms

MsCatalysta said...

this might be one of my favorite blog posts of all times. those pictures are a riot. wow... just wow.

Sparkliesunshine said...

Hahahaha! You're too funny.

JenniBeanV said...

:::snort::: That has got to be the most entertaining thing Vanilla Ice has ever been a part of!

Kylie in Warsaw said...

Oh, this is hilarious! Gave me a great laugh to start my "relaxing" weekend!

And aren't all condoms made in China?

Kelly said...

V. Ice sure does get around.I love hime even more for having back-up porn..lol I am so impressed with his gymnastics skill. I love the long jump the best though....nut buster...hahaha
I 'bout peed my pants!
your so funny..I wanna come over and play with V..

Camille said...

Oooh, new top-of-blog-header-thing! Looks good!

Orion said...

Vanilla?!?!?!

My step-sister would be SOOO jealous...
growing up i played rescue diver and threw Vanilla off the dock, but the water... the water was so murkey i couldn't revive his lifeless body and it sank to the bottom. Then all she had were those stinky New Kids... and God knows Danny would never be able to recover that quickly from a random STD.

...suppose Grape Nuts is a VD?

anyways...
funny read.

Diesel said...

Poor V.I. Even his diary gives him sh*t.

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, my god. I am dying here. "THEY EVEN KEPT MY HUSTLER"!!!

Oh, Ice. You just can't win.

goes to check YouTube for viral video

JD at I Do Things

Soccer Mom In Heels said...

OMG, pp-in-my-pants-funny! I can't believe Mary Lou is such a ho. VI, your hair looks so perfect in every photo~ amazing!

Queen Goob said...

So....how did ML feel about the STD? Oh, she's more worried about fitting that prego tummy in her tights, huh?

Crap - that means I have to add a picture of myself to my blog??? But it's okay if it's a couple years old?

Sweet.

And by the way, all of those people that say diamonds are a girls best rined? Wrong; Photoshop is a gil's best friend because Honey - I look HOT after photo shop!

Queen Goob said...

And that book you guys wanna rant about has got to be that Twitlight (typo…..) series because it is NOT a Brotherhood book - they ALL ROCK!

I took the first one on vacation so my girl could read it...she woke my booty up at 3:00 a.m. just to tell me how much she LOOOOOOOVED the first book.

Thanks, Sampson, 'preciate that!

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