I made it! I am offically representin' as the first US Olympic Quadrathlete! "The Ocho" caught up with me at the airport in Beijing with a few cashiers from China's first Mickey D's. That was right before some heavily armed dudes confiscated my sign and stole my porn and back-up porn outta my duffle.
This Olympic Village is SWEET! It's like living in the middle of the Giant Panda All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Only with less waitstaff making hocking noises in the back.
Mary Lou took me back to her room. We kicked Kerri Strug out and she showed me some new moves for my rhythmic gymnastics routine. Heh, heh, heh... yeah... rhythmic gymnastics...
Who knew Chinese condoms would break like that? I hope ML is on the pill.
My first event this morning was on the high bar. I forgot to pack my cup and racked myself twice. The only thing that kept me going was my hot, fervent desire not to end up as a viral video. I nailed the landing and should have scored a perfect 10, but the Russian judge took offense when I laughed at Olga Stolichnaya's hairy pits.
My rhythmic gymnastics routine with the ball was FLAWLESS (almost). You really can't go wrong with 50 Cent. But it's like the Chinese have all these decency laws and kept bleeping out words and they have cameras EVERYWHERE. I lost serious marks when Bart Conner winked at me and I stepped out of bounds. Dammit.
My third event was the high jump. I think I'm going to end up on YouTube anyway. I had perfect form going up and over. The problem was I didn't go up an over the high bar, but the railing for the concession stand. Shut up Diary! The sun was baking my brain out there and Mary Lou was yelling 'EPT' from the sidelines.
My final event, the long jump, was this afternoon. My training in gymnastics has definitely paid off. I totally flew by Carl Lewis using a new technique I like to think I came up with called the "Vanilla Nut Buster." OK, it only got the name after the first time I tried this and couldn't get my back leg moved around for the landing.
Ha Ha... Carl was SOOO mad. He kept whining about "one at a time" and "get off the track".
That dumbass Ivan swore the juice was undetectable. Not only did I fail my drug test, but it turns out I've got the clap too. The Chinese are deporting me AND THEY EVEN KEPT MY HUSTLER! CNN wants to do a live interview regarding the scandal, but my publicist is holding out for People Magazine.
ps. Call ML re: VD.
Clicky a smiley over at Humor-Blogs for me, shǐ gāo xìng.