Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Legend of Winter's Song

Once upon a time, there was a little ride-on toy.



The buttons on this toy were situated so perfectly, that when BoyChild rode it, his thighs would activate the buttons EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Mom told herself that the battery would die soon. Because toy companies are cheap bastards.

But after a whole year - the battery didn't die!



The song from the toy had etched itself into Mom's grey matter. And in a bad way.

Mom became pregnant with GirlChild and craved meat through the winter. In between staring daggers at the little ride-on toy.


In February, Mom was extremely round with child when the heat pump broke, the snow was falling and Mom called for help!

Mom was tired of wearing five layers of clothing around the house.


Mom got a phone call from the Heat Pump Guys who said they couldn't fix the heat pump because the driveway hadn't been shoveled. Even though they hadn't said it needed to be shoveled over the phone. And they were parked right in front of the house making the phone call.



Heat Pump Guys lied and said they had told Dad to shovel the driveway. It was a lie, because only Mom was on the phone with them.

So Mom threw on some boots and a coat and went out to their van in the street hoping that her huge belly would sway the Heat Pump Guys into action. But they were cold and heartless and Mom raged at them. Mom may or may not have used the "F" word. And the Heat Pump Guys left.


Mom was so livid when she returned to the house that she punted the little, musical ride-on toy across the living room. Hard. Plastic on the side snapped off. The seat was forever broken. But as if to say it's own version of the "F" word, the little toy broke into song.

And refused to die.

Until Mom took it to the dump. Where you can hear it continue to play if you listen very carefully on a snowy, winter's day.


---------------------------------------------

(ps. I've only hit a full-on rage state three times in my entire life. Don't fear me.)

Posted at Humor-Blogs

34 Comments :

gadragonfly said...

That's awesome! Why do all maintenancey type people suck? Don't worry I'm bringing quiet toys up for the kids.

Bee said...

I like Ragey Alice!! Ha ha ha!! :o)

Cocotte said...

This reminds me of the time the heating guys took me off their list because I didn't answer the phone when they called to say they were on their way. I had taken a 20second walk out to the mailbox.

And yeah, we had a Furby once whose batteries just wouldn't die....

Alice said...

D - Why do I somehow think you're tricking me?

Bee - I kinda like her too, since I don't see her too often. I have to be pushed pretty far to reach it.

Cocotte - Grr...I feel you on that one. Don't you just want to slash tires or something.

for a different kind of girl said...

Oh, I've had a ride on toy like that in my house, and I've dealt with the likes of that service dude. I only WISH I'd thought do do what you did!

Hey It's Di said...

Ohhh, that was a sad story... Not about the toy but about the pregnant Alice shoveling snow!

If kicking a toy in a fit of fury constitutes full on rage, then I have had several moments myself:/
I don't fear you.

Adriane said...

Ah, we have the same little riding toy, in a fire truck form. I find myself humming the stupid little song at the most inopportune times.

I think that Rage-filled Alice and Conniption-fit Adriane should have cocktails. We could break stuff. It would be great.

Marinka said...

That's hysterical! I think I hear it!

Kelly said...

gosh what terds..they see a preggo woman, and don't even get their asses out of the van?..I would have hit them with the shovel..that would show them to mess with a lady with a bun in the oven!

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

I'm just so impressed you didn't kick the crap outta the toy sooner. I'm not sure I would have lasted as long and probably would have ended up dragging heating guys from the van and kicking them! :)

Alice Wills Gold said...

You should have thrown the toy in the back of their van and hidden it....they want to mess with a mom...we'll see how they would like a mile or two or hundreds in your shoes.

Seriously, did you take the batteries out?

thecoconutdiaries said...

Yeah, this toy will be joined by the child-sized drum set my niece brought to my house. They will live a happy life together.

Jonny's Mommy said...

Jonathan has one of these....One night while watching a movie he sat on it and pushed on it the. whole. time.

I'm surprised it hasn't been put into a wall somewhere.

Along with those heating guys.

Jeff said...

Hell hath no fury like a woman... who couldn't get her heat pump fixed!

That girl from Shallotte said...

Um... That (brilliant) last sentence left me shuddering, imagining a "Toy Sematary" scenario.

Mary Witzl said...

What a great story!

Our kids had one of those audio books that played tinny little songs like 'The Noble Duke of York.' There was a storm and lightning struck very near our house -- and the damn book went off full blast and scared the living sh*t out of us.

MereCat said...

We have a toy like that. It's like this racecar thing that's REALLY LOUD and there is no way to turn it off. Evil toy making bastards.

unfinishedrambling said...

I'm Jonny Mommy's brother. That toy is evil. I'm just glad I don't live there.

As for your own toy situation, it sounds like you did the right thing in kicking it -- to the curb -- and to the dump.

Dan da Man said...

Ok say it with me Baseball bat or that is what i wouldve used on the toy after 5 mins in my house and then with those heating dudes

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I appear as The Grim Reaper to all battery operated toothbrushes.

Papi will keep his going for a year at a time--only changing out the bristles but not the batteries.

Mine always break after a week or so of use.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I shamelessly flaunted my hot air balloon-sized pregnant belly to my customers around Christmas in hopes of getting bigger tips based solely on sympathy.

Yeah. Those tactics might have worked back in the 1930's when men were chivalrous and people gave a damn about the "delicate" state of expectant mothers. Now? Not so much.

coffespaz said...

I love that story! A lack of customer service, or even concern, gets my panties in a bunch. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and your family.

HappyHourSue said...

oooh- creepy and funny at the same time!

Stephanie M said...

That sounds really awful! I would have been raging too.

Jenn Thorson said...

I didn't know you bore such a resemblance to Vin Diesel-- it's uncanny!

Heh, ah, even the most mild-mannered reach the point where "You've had all you can stands and you can't stands no more."

Ellie said...

Oh dear. I've starting hearing it in my sleep.....

Rph Mommy said...

I love it.

Meg said...

Do give us more from the Angry Alice files!

gadragonfly said...

I swear no noisey toys. I can't even take someone clicking a pen near me. I just had a co-worker walk up to MY desk & pick up MY pen & start clicking it. He knows it annoys me & then asks me why it annoys me. AARGH!!! I have sensitive ears darnit!!! I pick up on anything & it will distract me until it stops, there is no blocking it out. I can't take any repetitive noises.

LceeL said...

That is so perfect. Long story (for later) but we have two little boys (six and eight years old) and they have toys in Annies car that seem to respond to things like hitting a bump in the road. They laugh. At least one of them does. Another likes to play a catchy little tune. They've been doing this for over a year. The worst thing is, I can't find the little f**kers.

LceeL said...

Okay - properly formulated sentence WOULD have said "We have two little boys in our lives". If the sentence had been properly formulated. And it's still a long story.

damon said...

Those little boogers have a life of their own. Like every time My son stuffs his toy box and shuts the lid, something down on the bottom starts singing, playing, or just screeching.
Then I have to dig for it, and kill it.

Mary Witzl said...

I had to come back and read this one again. And I've laughed even harder the second time.

Kylie in Warsaw said...

I was always raging when I was pregnant. Which is probably why hubby couldn't handle the idea of more than four.

And don't you love those damn cheap toys that never die? We've had so many of those. Usually fromthe dollarstore (myspace bar is broken and occasionally willnot work at all, sorry.)

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