Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Zombification

My fam has a history of visiting the chop shop, so I've considered a few options in the realm of plastic surgery and decided that zombification would be the easiest and cheapest route since I'm halfway there.

Examing my face in the mirror last night, I noticed some definite facial sag / jowls manifesting by the mouth. (And if you know me in person and you say those jowls have always been there, then just shut up.) I did a few mini-lifts with my fingers which only confirmed their presence.


Pull Back Face - Yay! I look 10 years younger!

Let Go of Face - Hogatha



GirlChild: Mom, can I have some juice?
Alice: No. I can't let go of my face.

"Breaking Dawn" came out this past weekend and it's a monster at over 700 pages. (*warning - about to offend most Twilight reader*) The book is mediocre at best, and yet I must finish to find out how it all ends. My eyes are protruding and bloodshot from staying up so late and my left elbow, (the one I lean on when I'm reading) is requiring that special lotion for cracked heels - the stuff that's like slapping pure lard on your body. And after I slather it on my elbow - I have to slather it on my actual cracked heels from flapping around in flip-flops all day.

Haven't touched a razor in a week. Can zombies be hairy?

My right arm and left instep started itching a few days back. I scratched plenty. It got red and oozy. I'm pretty sure at this point it's poison ivy that I picked up from the cat because it sure as hell hasn't been from doing yardwork since the weeds around the scum pond are starting to look like corn.

I like to give poison ivy a good headstart before treatment so I can look particularly zombie-ish when flashing my weeping sores at opposing Pokemon players. How else do you think I won a match this Sunday against Pokemon Sue (the only other woman with the guts to show up on Sundays)? As soon as she slapped Gardevoir down, I flashed my zombie arm at her and rubbed it over the cards a bit, subtley implying that I could pass it off to her if I so chose. But then my cards were sort of sticking together so the plan backfired in some regards.

Catch me first thing in the morning before I've hit the hairbrush and the coffepot and I'm not far off from this right now:




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Posted over at Humor-Blogs

29 Comments :

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

I opted for the zombie hair look today. I worked hard mashing my head in that pillow, why ruin it with actual styling?

LceeL said...

Gah!! Not the way you look, or think you look. Plastic surgery. Makes me think of Joan Rivers, poster girl for plastic surgeons everywhere.

Hey It's Di said...

I get teased by my hubby for the way I pull back my sagging face EVERY time I look in the mirror. I SWEAR it's getting worse by the day!

I feel the same about Breaking Dawn. Not loving the story so much here and I am wondering what she was drinking when she wrote this. I still have to finish it though:)

Sparkliesunshine said...

LOVE the new design!!!!

I get a few days behind on my reader and I miss a contest. Darn! Oh well. :)

I hope everything starts feeling better soon. Poison Ivy is the worst!

The Hypocritical One said...

Oh my goodnes...you get 15 smilies for reminding me of Hogatha...it's been at least 20 years since I've seen that. Awesome.

Random Chick said...

I can beat your jowls any old day...I'll have to try that Pull Back Face thing-y.

BarbaraCA said...

Just finished. Anne Rice, were she dead, would be rolling in her grave.

Suzel said...

We once has a neighborhood yard sale and had a chair for sale. This guy with the worst case of poison ivy or whatever sat down and rubbed his arms on the chair arms. AACH!!!

Anyone need a chair? Cheap?

Angela said...

I'm sure you're much prettier than a zombie. Don't fret.

JD at I Do Things said...

I just don't look anymore. That's the easiest and cheapest treatment for me.

But then I accidentally catch sight of myself in a store window, and GAH!

JD at I Do Things

Trooper Thorn said...

Being a zombie has it's benefits. Nobody expects you to behave, you don't have to dress up for anything and if you eat your food raw, folks just shrug and say "What did you expect? She's a Zombie."

Kelly said...

oh thats funny..Have you tried Miricle Foot? My beloved hubby actually bought me this for christmas one year. I wonder if he was trying to tell me something?

Cocotte said...

I've discovered that if I don't smile in photographs I look much younger (none of those smile/jowl lines). Thought I'd pass along that tip.

Janet said...

You know...I think that's a boy zombie...and I think I'd do him. Is that wrong?

MamaGeek said...

You're probably one of those lucky ones who wakes up looking good! Well at least better than the zombie!

(^oo^) bad girl (^oo^) said...

Very good......

Ellie said...

Is Hogothah worse than Hagatella? That's who I wake up as.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Awesome post, my zombie friend... :)

Stephanie M said...

Alice - can you email me and tell me what happens in BD so I don't have to read it? I would love to chat about this series if you ever have a moment. nocleaninghere at gmail

HappyHourSue said...

I'm all obsessed with my neck - If I could just take on of those Chip Clips and hold the skin tight in the back, you think anyone would notice it? (My hair is pretty long).

Jenn Thorson said...

Hm, Alice- You know, I'm pretty good at "House of the Dead," so while I'd always been really excited to potentially get to meet you sometime, now I'm wondering. I've taken out, like, hundreds of zombies in various forms over the years.

It would be of course all in mercy-- to put you out of the misery of the weeping sores and whatnot. But still. I'd feel guilty.

PS-- I've found the answer is not looking in the mirror. I try to avoid them as much as possible. :)

Anonymous said...

In some countries, jowls are a sign of wisdom and command great respect. You might be hailed as a deity. ;-)

Robyn said...

Random Chick, having Nanette Fabray as your avatar is all kinds of awesome.

And Alice? Don't threaten your Pokemon players with poison ivy. Do the zombie hair and tell them their brains are starting to sound delicious.

for a different kind of girl said...

You know, aside from that whole brain eating part, zombies are kinda adorable. If we could just train them to be docile household help, I'd have a couple.

I can't read that book. I felt tortured trying to get through the first one, and annoyed my husband the entire read, so I've not gone near the remaining.

the indefatigable mjenks said...

Wait...you play Pokemon too?

I limit to just games with Cookie. I don't need to be shunned by society moreso than I already am.

Fortunately, the wife read the Twilight series and told me all about it: "Think Buffy, but without all the interesting plots". Nice.

Alice Wills Gold said...

I so cannot get into these books...are there zombies in them too...if you were a character I may be able to get into it.

Mary Witzl said...

I love that zombie picture!

I watch my teenagers agonizing over their appearance and smile to think of my current zombification. It's such a huge relief to stop caring what you look like.

Soccer Mom In Heels said...

zombie, shmombie~ we're all getting older, dangit. why do you think i still don't have a photo of myself on my blog or profile?

Kylie in Warsaw said...

Mmmm, zombies. Tastes like chicken.

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