Blog Lull Funk Randomness

I've been in a blogging lull / funk. I'm wondering if it's because I've was formally handed my ample backside on a platter at the last Pokemon Battle Roads Tournament where I placed DEAD. LAST. DEAD LAST - and that was with a Bye that counted as a win.

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My sister alerted me to this:

It's difficult to see, but on her Calorie Counter Quick List, they've included 'Ham Shank.' Because when I get the munchies and amble on over to the fridge, hoping that a pint of Ben-n-Jerry's will magically appear, I go for my ever-present ham shank instead and quickly check my Calorie Counter Quick Link to see how many points it's going to cost me.

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I went to Mike's on Saturday with some old friends, and while my crab cake sandwich was completely awesome, the sweat dripping down my back and the side of my face as we sat outside was not. The weather has been killer humid with some fantastic storms in the evening.

The winds started kicking the other afternoon and GirlChild and I went outside to round up the floaties that were flying across the yard. As she makes it to the edge of the yard, chasing one, the sky turns completely black, trees are bending at crazy angles with the wind and I start screaming for her to abandon the floatie and just get the hell back to the house before she's carried away.

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And last, but not least - Babycakes and I found this horrid little gem at the thriftshop for $1. We're going to find some perfectly anonymous wrapping paper and slip it into the gifts at his cousin's wedding next weekend. I'm pretty sure most of his family doesn't read this blog, but if you are...SHHHH...it's a secret!

We had some really horrible potholders once that we ditched at a baby shower and it was beautiful in that someone else took the flack for it. No one believed her denial. Muahhahahhaa...

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Calorie Counter Quick Link to Humor-Blogs.

Sad Short Tale of Funky Sneakers

I've got a pair of sneakers that are offending me. And not just a little bit.

I've worn these guys for at least 6 months when I was actually going to the gym and had no stink issues. I treadmilled. I elliptical-ed. Fresh as a daisy.

I wore them ONE time to do yardwork and now they have a funk that just won't quit. I offend myself when I wear them.

I made the mistake of wearing them to a poker tourney and started to get a whiff at the table. I went ahead and made preemptive apology to the table in case they were getting a drive-by whiff too. It's truly bad when you can smell them and your foot is still IN the shoe.

I threw them into the washing machine. Little impact.

I doused them with Carribean Mist Air Freshener. Now they smell like funk & coconuts.

I really should just throw them away.

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Humor-Blogs stinks. Like my sneaks.

GirlChild-san Catch Fly with Bare Hand

GirlChild has an affection for all things gross and uncuddle-y.

Ex. 1 - Tenty the Tentworm

Well, GirlChild is a new mom to two Fire Bellied Toads/Frogs (? - whatever they had at Petco) and we've introduced a whole new level of nastiness to the kitchen. I don't mean the frogs - they're actually pretty cool for a pet because they move around and watching them swallow a cricket whole is fascinating.


Sue - I had absolutely NO influence on the naming of these frogs as you are undoubtedly thinking.

The gross part is that I have to keep the meal worms in my fridge and a bag of crickets on the counter.


As is GirlChild's manner, a meal worm or cricket cannot go directly into the frog habitat. It must be manhandled, petted and played with and then out comes, "Mom...you wanna hold it?"



"No. Not really."

Today, GirlChild catches a fly WITH HER BARE HANDS! She's either that good, or the fly was that slow and stupid. I'm thinking of getting her some chopsticks and calling her Ms. Miyagi.



She plays with it, maims it and is now housing it in some random container where I can hear it weakly pleading, "Don't let her touch me again...kill me...please..." as it waves its crippled wing at me.

I imagine the frogs, the crickets and the meal worms are singing the same song. You gotta be tough to survive GirlChild's hands-on care.

Now based on all this evidence, can you tell me why she pitches a fit and screams "SPIDER!" when I ask her to turn on the outdoor water faucet?

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Click to see the Yellow Bellied Humor-Blog Frog.

The Boomerang and the Bowl of Plague

Another of my life's treasures has bitten the big one.

BoyChild and GirlChild were attempting to make boomerangs using popsicle sticks. It was too sad watching them try to tape sticks together, so I dusted off my boomerang and let them have a go in the backyard. Even with firm instructions as to what direction they could throw it and some vague threats about what would happen if someone's head got hit, I didn't factor in BoyChild's leftiness . He managed to curve it around the house right into an 8 foot high juniper hedge. That boomerang ain't coming back without a reciprocating saw.

As I reflected on my lost boomerang - I thought back on the days when Babycakes and I were making money hand over fist, instead of like now where I just stick out an empty hand and hope people put some money into it. We spent our honeymoon in New Zealand and Australia where I purchased many items. This is my wooden bowl from NZ.


I didn't anticipate the headache that bowl would prove to be entering Australia because of the bark around the lip. Apparently, bark can harbor cooties and as an island, Australia likes to keep the cooties out. It was like the Bowl of Plague based upon the inspector's expression.

I just paid forty freaking dollars for this bowl and it's coming with me even if it's slathered in Ebola.

We enter Australia where we purchase many more items. So many in fact that we needed to purchase another bag to send some treasure home ahead of us. Babycakes and I enter a little thrift store and find a bag that looked like this, only it didn't have a big passport plastered on the front like this picture I found on the internet.

Thriftstore Woman: Will this bag work for you?
Us: It's perfect. How much?
Thriftstore Woman (thinking): How about 10 ..... cents?
Us (thinking we just hit the jackpot): Here's a quarter, keep the change.

We had been ready to fork over 10 bucks for this bag and when she tacked on the 'cents' part of that, we about fell over. So we packed up 60 pounds of our newest belongings and sent them home (minus my Bowl of Plague that I cradled everywhere we went). What I couldn't pack up and send in the bag was my newest piece of eye-candy: my didgeridoo - that I now proudly display on coat hooks.

Bringing that badboy home involved purchasing a mattress pad, garbage bags and lots of tape and creating something you might see on COPS at the end of a drug bust.

When we landed in Los Angeles, I was now carrying a contraband bowl and a large tampon-ish looking item through customs that totally looked like it was hiding a few kilos.

Customs Agent: Do you have anything to declare?

Us: Yes.

Customs Agent: Go on through.

Us: (WTF?!) Uh...OK...

The trick to getting through customs in LA quickly is to arrive at the same time as the plane from Colombia. Then they don't give a shit that you're bringing in bowls of plague from the South Pacific.

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I bet I can fit Humor-Blogs in my red, white and blue bag.

Lorena, TX - The Diesel Way

As requested by the man himself:

And THIS is the real purpose of the mystery button, my friend, as proposed by Deb on the Rocks (sorta).

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Humor-Bloggers are pressing buttons.