Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Yard Burn, Oil Slicks and Clutter Tricks

I spent a good chunk of this afternoon mowing the remaining two acres of yard in the 200 degree heat, finalizing the most amazing burn to date.

This far surpasses my previous burn pattern.

I did this while fending off the hordes of deer fly. Do you know how it feels to be stung by one of those? Like a horse fly. Have you seen a chick mow while fending off deer flies? Like a gran mal seizure on wheels. Can you mow a straight line while doing this? No.

I was slathered in a layer of sunblock with a top coat of Backwoods Off. I was plenty slick, and I guess the deer flies just took a look and saw a big ol' KFC special, extra crispy, heavy on the grease.

When the final blade was done, I gazed lovingly at the kid's inflatable pool. A pool that is a tad slimy, a little sandy and has a fine mix of grass clippings floating below an oil slick from the kid's sunblock. I sunk under what looked to be some crude from the Exxon Valdez...and it was HEAVENLY.

In other news, while trolling the blog world - I located a meme here. OK, maybe it's not a meme, but I'd figure I'd give you my advice anyhow.

Give me 5 tips or tricks for keeping your house clean and clutter-free.

1. Walk around with a wooden spoon in your hand.
2. Yell a lot.
See - I'm so good that I only need TWO tips/tricks for keeping my house clean and clutter-free.
Every time you click on Humor-Blogs, I'll kill a deer fly in your name!


damon said...

Biting flies? That's just great. I thought flying cockroaches were bad, but at least they won't eat me.

Anonymous said...

I've had tans exactly like that in the past.

Walk around with a wooden spoon and yell. Damn it, I knew I should've had some kids!

Kelly said...

haha thats awesome..I think I beat ya though.. I have one..
sit on the couch and bark out orders while watching trashy crap on the tube....
but maybe if I wave around the spoon I would get better results..*snicker* :)

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

How timely that you would mention tips to a clutter-free home--I was just thinking of you and looking at shoe cubbies online yesterday. Do you have the typical cubbies or the kind that look like drawers but then tip out to reveal shoes? What do you recommend?

Tracy said...

Those pools can be life savers!
I remember when I was two weeks over due with my second baby and it was August and HOT.
I was sitting in our front yard watching my one year old playing in her little pool and I asked myself why I was sitting in the sun, sweating my butt off, while the little monkey had all the fun.
So I jumped in. I think that was as close to heaven as I've ever been!

Bee said...

I have been battling flying ants and green bugs! I'll be inside after gardening and have little critters crawling all over my bod! And not the fun critters. ;op

You know what gets sunburned on me all the time? My scalp! I read that it is the leading place to get skin cancer.

So I bought a cowgirl hat and I'll be yipee kaiyaying all over the effin place.

Jenn Thorson said...

I can't believe you got in that pool. Well, I CAN... But, I'm still frightened from the imagery. Hopefully you didn't pick up any mosquito larvae or anything to go with your biting flies. :)

Sue said...

Very sexy. Love the diagram :)

Anonymous said...

Right at this very moment I have a stripe of sunburn on my forehead... um, yeah, that is soooo not sexy.

I wonder if the wooden spoon thing will work on grown men... I'll try that out!

jennie said...

I use the same technique for applying sunscreen. I'm certain that someday I'll find I have skin cancer probably everywhere save for a few stripes of preserved skin where I consistently leave sunscreen streaks.

Hey It's Di said...

Oh the visual of you out having seizures while mowing. And YES I have been bit by a horse fly and it is KILLER! OK, I lived every time but it still hurts a lot.

I can so relate to the burn and the oil slicked pool. Sometimes it's so worth the muck to cool off though:)

Hey It's Di said...

I'm loving the wooden spoon house cleaning approach! Elastic talks about wooden spoons today also! Too Cool!

Alice said...

Damon - In fact, flying cockroaches are exponentially worse.

Suze - Just think of the power!

Kelly - I would consider that, but then I couldn't point out the 5 pairs of flip-flops around the house and the funky socks thrown 5 inches away from the laundry basket.

N - I would consider whatever shoe cubby requires the least amount of work on the wearers part. I find that the drawers hinder actually putting them in and then the kids leave them open anyway. Open holes and baskets are probably the way to go.

Tracy - Oh I know - and we've got one of those big inflatables that I can get all the way into. It's a pain to empty and move every couple days, but so worth it.

Alice said...

Bee - I ALWAYS wear a hat. It will be a miracle if I don't get cancer on my nose in a few years. As slack as I am with the sunblock - my face is always a definite.

Jenn - Hopefully no larvae. Ewww. I do change the water every two days and move the beast so the grass doesn't die. But believe me - it felt so nice!

Sue - Thanks! It was too hard to diagram the back fat though.

CerealD - I can't think of a reason why it wouldn't work on a man if you had the right tone with it. Oh - and you need the right look in your eye too.

Di - I was very spastic and if a neighbor caught me on video I could be a hit on YouTube soon.

Alice said...

Jennie - Oh yeah, like my cancer-free epaulette. Klassy. ; )

DesignHER Momma said...

I have the same burn pattern on my back...thanks to spray park. Love summertime.

LceeL said...

Annie doesn't even need the wooden spoon. She just stands there with her hands on her hips and lightning bolts shooting out of her eyes. She can fry your ass with one good stare.

Mary Witzl said...

Poor you -- I got a red neck yesterday digging creeping buttercup out of our turf. I'd have jumped into a wading pool if I'd had one available. My husband and I used to be reduced to cooling off in our kids' wading pool when we lived in Japan. We didn't have airconditioning and our house felt like a sauna. I'm sure our neighbors thought we were insane.

Loved that KFC comment!

Jeff said...

Yuk, I hate those things! And thanks a lot, I just took a swing at my laptop screen.


Waiiiiitttt, was that wooden spoon answer here the whole time?!!?

That is mighty freaky considering that wooden spoons comprised my entire blog post today.


We get flying tree roaches, cemetery flies that bite, and deadly fire ants.

Sorry, you may not have known we are competing in the nastiest bug arena but I claim first prize.

T said...

Walk around with a wooden spoon and yell a lot? I think you're channeling my mother.

Does the spoon have a crack in it that pinches when you swat someone? If so, you are definitely channeling Mom...scary.

Tina said...

That comment right above this one? That's me. I can't type worth a darn tonight...

Alice said...

Designher - Ooo..but if a spray park is what I think it is, you had a lovelier time getting yours.

LouCL - I think I love Annie already. I made BoyChild cry once with just a look, but I felt super bad afterwards and had to hug him.

Mary - After my two years in Africa, I made the agreement with myself that I don't live anywhere without AC again.

Jeff - They are PURE evil.

Elastic - Yes, you and I are both on the wooden spoon wavelength. I threw that down before I saw your post! *insert eerie music*

Tina - I think there is a crack starting to form from the dishwasher and whereas I was just going to throw it out, perhaps I'll be keeping my new pinchy butt smacker.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Sorry (I think), but I had to laugh at this post. Wow! Deer flies hurt! Here, the mosquitoes are the problem. Forget about mowing the lawn, getting the mail, or just getting in your car without being attacked. Loved your illustration!

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