Thursday, April 10, 2008

What the Schnitzel?

If you are kid-less, consider yourself lucky. Not because you don’t have to sand plantar warts, but because kid-lit and cartoons are boring. Sanding the plantar wart actually ranks higher because it has an element of gruesomeness and potential for Keystone Cops excitement if dead wart skin touches my leg directly.

It’s been a while since the days when getting smacked in the head was funny and a cat could take a knife to the eye and walk away from it. Cartoons aren’t funny like that anymore. All this sharing and caring and learning and saving the animals stuff… dammit, I learned cool quarter-staff techniques from Daffy and all GirlChild can do is speak Spanish. She will literally be riding the bus next year with no offensive moves. And two words for you…NATURAL SELECTION. If the Albino Hedgehog is getting wiped out – then it wasn’t tough enough and even Diego can’t save it. Should have bred for those poisonous projectile quills (that you could shoot into a cat’s eye) (and make the children laugh again).

I buckled and let GirlChild pick out a Care Bears book from the library once. Took it back the next day. Let’s see if I can remember the dialogue:

And then Share Bear said to Lovey Bear, “You make me bear-y happy.” Lovey Bear
gave Share Bear a bear-y big hug and they rode the Care-A-Lot-Bear-mobile back
I recall that every other word was ‘bear’. After the first page I started this maniacal laughter every time I got to the word ‘bear’. GirlChild would sort of cut her eyes to me then scooted away.

“Grumpy BEAR ate Happy BEAR’s strawBEARy…”

“Mom…why are you breathing like that?”

“...and so Happy BEAR…”


“...summoned the Emperor who said, ‘You will pay the price for your lack of vision.’

I briefly considered just taking the book to the dump, but the Dark Side told me that some other sap needed to read it out loud.

I’m gonna let you in on a gem in this world of cotton-candy-assed cartoons and books. There’s an animated movie you may have missed called “Hoodwinked”. The animation is not Pixar, but the script is excellent. You should at least smile during the Schnitzel Song.

“And then Humor-BlogBear shot a poisonous bear quill at Emperor Bear's eye…”


Jeff said...

I had one of those stupid warts on the bottom of my foot one time. Not to cause you alarm, but the home remedy didn't work and I had to go to the doctor 3 TIMES to have the industrial strength acid put on before it finally admitted de-feet and gave up and died. A lesser man would have surrendered and eventually been cluster-f*cked by the stupid thing.

btw - I watched violent cartoons my whole childhood and I turned out mostly normal.

Alice said...

Oh lord - I didn't need to hear that about the foot. We've been putting these 40% acid patches on the wart which I think is actually killing the entire toe as well as the wart.

gizmorox said...

Personally, I love me some "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends." It's just the right amount of bonkers.

Alice said...

I'll have to check that one out. The only other show I can handle is 'Arthur' on PBS. There's no gratuitous violence but I like some of their mockery.

k's meow said...

Oh my word! Of course, you know the Schnitzel duet is half by one of my favorite musical artists, right? It's Fleming from Fleming and John or at myspace. I do love that song.

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