The Legend of Winter's Song

Once upon a time, there was a little ride-on toy.



The buttons on this toy were situated so perfectly, that when BoyChild rode it, his thighs would activate the buttons EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Mom told herself that the battery would die soon. Because toy companies are cheap bastards.

But after a whole year - the battery didn't die!



The song from the toy had etched itself into Mom's grey matter. And in a bad way.

Mom became pregnant with GirlChild and craved meat through the winter. In between staring daggers at the little ride-on toy.


In February, Mom was extremely round with child when the heat pump broke, the snow was falling and Mom called for help!

Mom was tired of wearing five layers of clothing around the house.


Mom got a phone call from the Heat Pump Guys who said they couldn't fix the heat pump because the driveway hadn't been shoveled. Even though they hadn't said it needed to be shoveled over the phone. And they were parked right in front of the house making the phone call.



Heat Pump Guys lied and said they had told Dad to shovel the driveway. It was a lie, because only Mom was on the phone with them.

So Mom threw on some boots and a coat and went out to their van in the street hoping that her huge belly would sway the Heat Pump Guys into action. But they were cold and heartless and Mom raged at them. Mom may or may not have used the "F" word. And the Heat Pump Guys left.


Mom was so livid when she returned to the house that she punted the little, musical ride-on toy across the living room. Hard. Plastic on the side snapped off. The seat was forever broken. But as if to say it's own version of the "F" word, the little toy broke into song.

And refused to die.

Until Mom took it to the dump. Where you can hear it continue to play if you listen very carefully on a snowy, winter's day.


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(ps. I've only hit a full-on rage state three times in my entire life. Don't fear me.)

Posted at Humor-Blogs

Zombification

My fam has a history of visiting the chop shop, so I've considered a few options in the realm of plastic surgery and decided that zombification would be the easiest and cheapest route since I'm halfway there.

Examing my face in the mirror last night, I noticed some definite facial sag / jowls manifesting by the mouth. (And if you know me in person and you say those jowls have always been there, then just shut up.) I did a few mini-lifts with my fingers which only confirmed their presence.


Pull Back Face - Yay! I look 10 years younger!

Let Go of Face - Hogatha



GirlChild: Mom, can I have some juice?
Alice: No. I can't let go of my face.

"Breaking Dawn" came out this past weekend and it's a monster at over 700 pages. (*warning - about to offend most Twilight reader*) The book is mediocre at best, and yet I must finish to find out how it all ends. My eyes are protruding and bloodshot from staying up so late and my left elbow, (the one I lean on when I'm reading) is requiring that special lotion for cracked heels - the stuff that's like slapping pure lard on your body. And after I slather it on my elbow - I have to slather it on my actual cracked heels from flapping around in flip-flops all day.

Haven't touched a razor in a week. Can zombies be hairy?

My right arm and left instep started itching a few days back. I scratched plenty. It got red and oozy. I'm pretty sure at this point it's poison ivy that I picked up from the cat because it sure as hell hasn't been from doing yardwork since the weeds around the scum pond are starting to look like corn.

I like to give poison ivy a good headstart before treatment so I can look particularly zombie-ish when flashing my weeping sores at opposing Pokemon players. How else do you think I won a match this Sunday against Pokemon Sue (the only other woman with the guts to show up on Sundays)? As soon as she slapped Gardevoir down, I flashed my zombie arm at her and rubbed it over the cards a bit, subtley implying that I could pass it off to her if I so chose. But then my cards were sort of sticking together so the plan backfired in some regards.

Catch me first thing in the morning before I've hit the hairbrush and the coffepot and I'm not far off from this right now:

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Posted over at Humor-Blogs

Winners!

In what turned out to be probably the easiest raffle to win something we have winners. Carefully utilitzing the random number generator on random.org, they are:
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Twilight Necklace - Zen Momma - (Added you to my blogroll - how did I miss you before?!) I know your daughter will love and cherish this.
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Vampire Teeth - Terri Lynn (both random and because she was the sole guesser of 'Phury'. Although I'm not Phury's biggest fan. Sorry. I'm a Rhage gal.)
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Anti-Monkey Butt Powder - Sandy, Manger Mom and Elaine! And because I have an extra bottle from the 6-pack I bought, and because she rocks the Vader Helmet with me - FADKOG - I've got an extra with your name on it.
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Anti-Monkey Butt Powder Hat - Suzel of Suzel's Sass. My! What ever will your husband think?
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Hot Sox - Marie of Memarie Lane. EVERY very pregnant woman should have a pair of these Hot Sox when they deliver and their feet are up in stirrups. Unless you are doing it at home, in which case I guess you can squat in them.
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Thanks for playing along! You can shoot me your addresses here: zippyfinn (at) yahoo (dot) com and I'll get the awesomeness out to youz guyz right away! (Assuming my new fuel injectors are in and I get my car back this afternoon so I can get to the post office. Gah!)

Please Don't Be Shy!

My readers... I love you all... but you are the most selfless, least grabby folks on the Internet. I've seen bloggers giving away $5 gift cards to 7-11 and chicks were clawing at each other in the comment section to get to it.

Please read the post below this one and let me know what I can possible give TO YOU! By noon!

You may enter in as many drawings as you like. It's because I love you all dammit! Take my love. Take it, I said!

You there... lurker... I love you!

All you folks doing searches on "plantar wart toe" - I LOVE YOU!

All you people searching for "nude UNO" and "boy art" - not so much love. Go away.

I have spoken.

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(Oh crap! Or maybe I've just chosen really sucky prizes and it would have been better to get the 7-11 gift cards.)

Ta Da! (Free stuff!)

I would like to present the new and snazzy Honey Pie. Tsk, tsk…and you thought Darth Vader was my only secret crush. There’s a soft spot in my heart for vamps too.

(Please bear in mind that I'm still tweaking things around here. Don't judge me. Ha ha...that's so stupid. Hey everyone! Come look at my new look, but don't form any opinions yet! Hmmm...Okay?)

My first round of thanks goes to Pokémon Master Nick. Wait. Did I just write that out loud? Does he know I refer to him as that? I met him working the Pokémon tournaments at Aardvark’s. He's going to college for all sorts of fancy computer graphics stuff (stuff = things I don't know about computer graphics) and is the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. Or not meet. Because you don’t live in Maryland.

He did a bang-up job of putting this all together for me and I heartily recommend him for any of you other folks looking for a make-over. There's a banner on the right for nkirkpatrick.com if you'd like to check him out. But not in that way. Jeez, what a bunch of sickos.

You rock Nick!

I would also like to give a huge shout-out to Ms. Lisa Desimini who drew the original artwork which appeared on the book “Dead to the World” by Charlaine Harris.

Lisa allowed me to use her work and I can’t thank her enough for her kindness. And for not charging me anything. Because my car is in the shop, my dishwasher is busted, I have to pay Nick and I'm flat broke. I absolutely adore her quirky style and artwork. THANK YOU!

And now, for all my lovelies who kindly come to read my drivel each week – I've got some prizes for YOU to celebrate! Bring your friends! I’ll show you all the goodies and then you can leave me some love (or hate) in the comment section. Leaving hate will greatly increase the chance that your slip of paper 'accidentally' dissolves in a ring of coffee when I set my morning vat of joe on it. Puh-leeze. I was a statistician. I know how to manipulate the data.

Just let me know what prizes (that's right, it's plural) you'd like to be drawn randomly for and guess an answer (if you like) for a question coming up.

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Prize 1: In honor of a pretty decent vamp series with a new release coming out on August 2 (ahem... Breaking Dawn) we have:


Prize 2: With these bad boys, you can make your own custom-fit vampire teeth.



I like wearing mine on Halloween (and when I meet the kids' teachers or have dinner with the in-laws.) You too can enjoy this smaller, not-so-obnoxious pair. But to get these, you'll have to guess my favorite member of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. Heh heh heh... work a little people. Really, this s*** wasn't free. Winner picked randomly from those who guess correctly. Oh, and you only get one guess per person.

Prize 3: I'm guessing that the few male readers I have may not be interested in Twilight necklaces and such, but The Smiling Infidel can personally vouch for the following product:

We've got three bottles of this powdery butt gold to give away. End your chafing NOW by letting ME know you want to win the AMBP.

Prize 4: If chafing isn't your issue, but you still want to proclaim your love for Anti-Monkey Butt Powder - maybe a hat is more your style! I would like to give this particular freebie away to a regular reader/commenter at my blog.

Prize 5: And lastly, inspired once again by The Smiling Infidel's Hot Sox Exchange - you too can have a pair of the hottest sox in town.

I'll leave comments open until Monday at noon EST - just let me know what prizes you're interested in and I'll stick your name in a hat for what you chose. At that point I'll work up the winners and let you know. Unless I've had one too many gin & tonics on Monday night and come to the conclusion that Diesel has won every prize in an effort to suck up to the Big Kahuna himself. Can you buy a Smiley with some Butt Powder?

(It wouldn't hurt your chances and could possibly IMPROVE them in this completely random raffle to register your name over at Humor-Blogs and start clicking 'happy faces' next to any post with Honey Pie next to it. Thank you in advance.)