Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Smiling Infidel's Dollar Store Extravapalooza

After reading about the plight of The Smiling Infidel and her itchy boob agony in the Houston humidity, the only option I had was to send her our very last bottle of Anti-Monkey Butt Powder. Babycakes had used his awesome powers of persuasion (the same ones he used to get me to marry him) to wheedle the precious powder out of the reps at the Vegas convention hall and smuggle it through the crack security team at McCarran Airport and back to Maryland to his chafing family. OK, really, the Anti-Monkey Butt people couldn't get rid of their product fast enough, because really, who wants to carry all the samples back home with them?

At about the same time - The Smiling Infidel revealed to me that she often thinks of me (me!) when strolling down the aisles of the local Dollar Store. *sniff* Smiling Infidel, you have a sweeter tongue (figuratively) than the guys I've dated. And she bought me presents!

On the day her package arrived, the kids and I tore the package apart like a 9-year-old trying to get to the wonky compass at the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms. We pulled out the Naked Nuts! The kids and I did go nuts, but not naked, although GirlChild is usually pretty close to that state.


The Smiling Infidel also appears to know I have a little problem with poker. And gambling in general. I love how she feeds into that. What I don't love is the oft repeated lecture on slots. I've said before that slot machines are my kryptonite and I really don't need you looking in my face and telling me that slots have the worst payout in a casino. For realz. I get it. And what I really get is a high when I hit a noisy bonus round and am surrounded by old Jersey ladies in track suits cheering me on and letting me rub their lucky Troll doll.


Sorry...got sidetracked. Back to poker. The SI, initiator of the Hot Sox Swap, sent me these bad boys "guaranteed to improve your game as you look at your fellow card players as live prey." And really, all you really want to do is 'look' at them as live prey and not 'eat' them as live prey because aside from about two regulars, I really don't want my tongue near any of them.


I'll reiterate the fact that I DO NOT HAVE CANKLES although it could appear otherwise in the photo below. There is just something ultra-illusion-esque about sock photos. And hell - y'all are lucky I even shaved recently for that photo.


SI - I think these sock totally rock! Little cards...little sharks...so clever... but my size 11 feet almost prohibited them from even sliding over my crusty flip-flop heels. I also think they supplied me with two different sized socks as the left sock reached a definite stopping point on my calf (not cankle). I will most likely not be able to look my fellow poker players in the eye or kick them in the shins while wearing these socks. *sad face*

Next in the bag-o-fun was a trio of Texas/Poker themed coozies. Don't my beers look well-groomed and ready to play?

I think I'll take these to the home game next weekend and see what the guys think. I'll take a poll to distract them as I scoop the pot. Maybe they won't realize that my two-pair does NOT in fact beat their three-of-a-kind. Maybe flashing some cleavage while I take the poll will help. Forget that. You can't do cleavage in a Hanes t-shirt without scissors.

GirlChild having fun in coozie couture:


To finish up the SI's gambling finds, she sent us this magnetized horse racing game which the kids play standing by the refrigerator. Yeah, it's as annoying as it sounds. MOVE! - I NEED ANOTHER BEER FOR MY TEXAS FLAG COOZIE.

You can never introduce your children to the world of Bugsy Siegel too early. I mean, I asked my Mom to sew four aces onto my jumpsuit in the 4th grade WHICH SHE ACTUALLY DID and now I have to pick up pamphlets in casinos with titles like "WHEN THE FUN STOPS" to make sure I don't have a problem.

SI's awesome card - it will be featured prominently in the next installment of V. Ice.

Thank you, my favorite Infidel! You rock!

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You can click on Humor-Blogs if you like, but everything has been revamped and involves clicky smiley faces so you can do what you like with all that. My head hurts looking at it.

34 Comments :

Steph said...

Ok, there's too much good stuff in one post to handle!

#1 - That's the best care package ever. Especially the signage part.

#2 - Novelty socks always rock the casbah and ones with sharks and cards? Even better. Your toesies look way chic.

#3 - I'm pretty sure that I saw the face of God when you wrote this:

I asked my Mom to sew four aces onto my jumpsuit in the 4th grade WHICH SHE ACTUALLY DID and now I had to pick up pamphlets in casinos with titles like "WHEN THE FUN STOPS" to make sure I don't have a problem.

Yes. Purely spiritual moment there. Ahhhh... let's hear it for cool moms.

#4 - That N'Sync thing made me green with envy. What cheese! What beautiful and horribly humorous cheese!

Jenn Thorson said...

Now that is LOVE. Gambling socks, beer cozies and all. Brings a bit of a tear to the eye.

Or maybe that's allergies. But whatever. Still cool!

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

That girl knows how to show her appreciation! Now, I'll show mine, by trying to wade through the the newness.

I'm sending you an invite to Cre8buzz today. I think you'd make a great addition to the community. Check it out! :)

for a different kind of girl said...

Sweet Mother! I, too, have an itchy boob situation! Where do I get this magical crack powder?!

Alice said...

Steph - Thanks for swinging by and I'm glad the actions of my Mom helped you see the face of God. I'm pretty sure it's not God I'm seeing at 3 am on Fremont Street.

Jenn - Yes...Coozie = Love. Let that be a lesson to you! ; )

Mrs.4444 - It's all a muddle. I'm thinking of dropping out and I'll check out the link you sent.

FADKOG - I honestly have never seen it on the shelves, but they have a website where you can order some. I'm thinking of getting a case for my super new blog look party. That's coming soon. I hope.

Kelly said...

Ahh thats awesome! I totally need to get my hands on those nuts..haha..
Isn't it the best to get something in the mail? Its like being a kid again..the anticipation of it all..glad you enjoyed your goodies! :)

damon said...

Somethin about naked nuts just gets women all excited.

News I can use. ;)

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I had a jumpsuit in 4th grade!! It was purple. My stepdad told me I looked like a giant grape that escaped from the Fruit Of The Loom gang.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I'm rating this as my favoritest post from you ever!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

If I would have known that you'd give me a Honey Pie exclusive I would have broken out my "fancy" handwriting. Alas.....

Your beer is destined for runway model status on the catwalks of Paris!

gadragonfly said...

I know what I want for Christmas, this shirt.
http://antimonkeybutt.com/shop/cart.php?target=product&product_id=22&category_id=3

Also if you have to order the powder in bulk, I'l buy one from you. Sounds wonderful. I'm sure it will help with the Georgia heat.

Sparkliesunshine said...

That care package is hilarious. For me, the card is the best part. Oh the years I spent as a teenager bopping around to NSYNC.

Hey It's Di said...

Oh that SI chick is the best! Of course, you saved her life with that Monkey Butt stuff.

I feel incomplete in life without having tried NAKED nuts. I'm sure they are the bomb!

You don't have Cankles Alice! In fact, I love the sox and the modeling job on the kids picnic table. It makes your feet look miniature:) Do you really wear size 11? I am catching up to you with my 10s. OK, actually they were 10s and for some reason my feet are shrinking. I'm now 9.5.

MsCatalysta said...

Your pictures are seriously cracking me up!!!! And no you don't have cankles! Bad angles can ruin a person I'm convinced!

Alice said...

Kelly - You said nuts. And yes - I adore any kinds of mail - letters, packages, e-mail...

Damon - That's it. I'm starting an advice column.

Elastic - You're always worth an exclusive! Thanks for all the fun. And nuts. Heheheheh...

D - I'm gonna work on it for you!

Sparklie - Dating yourself! You're definitely younger than me for sure. (But I secretly have an NSYNC song on my iPod....shhhhh....)

Di - I NEED the secret to foot shrinkage! You don't understand. I was a 10 and life was bad. Then I got pregnant and my feet grew and life was even worse. I got rid of an entire wardrobe of shoes. *sadness*

Alice said...

Kelly - You said nuts. And yes - I adore any kinds of mail - letters, packages, e-mail...

Damon - That's it. I'm starting an advice column.

Elastic - You're always worth an exclusive! Thanks for all the fun. And nuts. Heheheheh...

D - I'm gonna work on it for you!

Sparklie - Dating yourself! You're definitely younger than me for sure. (But I secretly have an NSYNC song on my iPod....shhhhh....)

Di - I NEED the secret to foot shrinkage! You don't understand. I was a 10 and life was bad. Then I got pregnant and my feet grew and life was even worse. I got rid of an entire wardrobe of shoes. *sadness*

Alice said...

Catalysta - My sister will second the 'no cankleness'.

Diesel said...

Come on, who doesn't like smiley faces? Also, it has kitties.

Meg said...

Slot Machines are my Kryptonite--there's your book title!!!

Amy said...

Where do you get some powder for SBS (sweaty boob syndrome)? When the trickle of sweat drips between the girls, it's time to find a solution...i heart n'sync! Classic~

Alice said...

Diesel - Oh God...the guilt is crushing me now...

Meg - You're right! I'm naming you in the credits...as Colin Farrell's lover...

Amy - I just ordered a 6 pack off the internet. When I get my new look up and running I hope to give some out as prizes! Woo hoo!

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I'm pretty close to naked most of the time too. Your daughter and I are totally kindred spirits like Diane and Anne of Green Gables.

That girl from Shallotte said...

So I call my husband monkey butt affectionately on a regular basis (seriously) and I can't bring myself to make a naked nut joke here. Suffice it to say, naked nuts don't deter the monkey butt jokes in our household.

You rock, girl.

Alice Wills Gold said...

I LOVE GETTING COOL STUFF IN THE MAIL!

I think The Smiling Infedel made your parting with your monkey butt stuff worth it, don't you?

MamaGeek said...

Oh yeah, that is TRUE LOVE! And WHY are coozies just so much fun? WHY! :)

Manager Mom said...

Where can I buy me one of them thar coozies?

Alice said...

BMP - LOL - We had to work on the nakedness before she hit camp this summer. She was getting pretty lax about dropping everything in front of BoyChild's friends. Yikes.

ThatGirl - If you're calling your husband 'Monkey Butt' you need to let us know his pet names for you. Why does 'Monkey Butt' roll off the tongue so easily?

Alice - It was totally worth it!

MamaGeek - I think coozie-love is a southern thing. I'm gonna put them out right next to our Citadel coozies. Our house is klassy.

ManagerMom - Just say the word, and I'll hook you up with some back alley coozies.

Kylie in Warsaw said...

I will second the Southerner love for coozies. That's what I miss about the 4th of July, sitting on the beach with my whole redneck family of 40 some odd people, drinking beer in coozies and wine out of plastic solo glasses. I am SO going back next July!

My boy children are always close to naked...it's a leftover from living in Africa. Maybe Girl child inherited it from you;).

Mary Witzl said...

I've been over to Humor Blogs about five times now and they keep rejecting my password!

Beer coozies will sadly never take off in Scotland. Here, it's almost always so cold that you never need to worry about keeping your beer chilled. And even if you did, your hands would do the job for you...

Always Home and Uncool said...

Every year on the way to the Outer Banks we pass a store called 'TRY MY NUTS!' Just felt I need to mention that.

brightmyer said...

You are hilarious! I've peed my pants - must go home and change!

LceeL said...

I'm glad I stopped by here - I could have sworn I commented on this, yesterday. Whatever. Just thought I'd let all and sundry know that I am available to handle any itchy boob situation. So to speak.

thecoconutdiaries said...

Your beer cozies look like a boy band!

Queen Goob said...

AWESOME package! No, not that one, the one you got in the mail!

I went into a coughing fit when I saw your socks! And you do NOT wear a size eleven. If so, great angle with the camera because they look small and petit.

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