Monday, June 30, 2008

I Be Illin' (or V. Ice: Back to His Roots)

Dear Diary,

Bathtub Gangsta is right. I AM an MC Hammer-coat-wearin’ mo-fo. And he’s so cool with that soul patch and low riders. I can’t even grow facial hair. Unless Sue Sharpies some in on me.
I feel so lost. This is worse than the
Jim Carrey thing.

When you’re lost and don’t know where to turn, people always tell you to go back to the beginning. That’s what I’ll do! If I start at the beginning, there’s no way I can go wrong!

My self-esteem feels better already.

Thanks for the push in the right direction BG!

No one listens like you Diary!

V. Ice

One day when I was chillin’ on the play room floor
Jus’ mindin’ my own business with a Bud Light and a Coors
My homey comes in lookin’ strange and kinda funny
Come up to me, and said, “Hey Ice, you wanna honey?”

I said, “Hell yeah” and he took me round the back
Can’t wait to see my Barbie with the double-D size rack
I opened up my eyes and my face was kinda stony
He ditched me in the stable with Honey Pie Pony

I be illin’
I be illin’

I went downtown for some seamless spin
The bouncer at the door, he wouldn’t let me in
I said “F*** that” and he threw me out the door
So I made my own club with a loco dance floor
That place was so hot, the scratchin’ was hip
‘Til I saw I was scratchin’ on a poker chip.

I be illin’
I be illin’

The other day ‘round the way I was illin’ in the hot sun
Drunk as skunk, slammed my junk in the hatchback of my Datsun
So I went inside, grabbed the ‘trol, played Spiderman
‘Til Jay says, “Hey dude, you gotta plug it in.”

I be illin’
I be illin’


ps. Please visit the one and only, original Bathtub Gangsta over at Happy Meal & Happy Hours!

pps. Please excuse the blue wad of fun-tack holding his glasses on.

ppps. Click on Humor-Blogs please to help my ranking - I wasted a whole lotta time with needle and thread on the dumb shirt!


Kelly said...

thanks for making me choke on my fruit loops, omg..I think a love affair is brewing with V. Ice and BT Gangsta.. hmmm..tag team anyone..??

Bee said...

I'll have to come back and read. I'm at work and the old lady that sits across from me got scaurd when the music started.

Robyn said...

Just spewed Pepsi on the monitor. I'll send you the bill, thanks.

Can we see Ice trashing the Barbie Malibu House next?

thecoconutdiaries said...

I think Ice needs a girlfriend.

Queen Goob said...

Dude....can I tell you how small Southern towns do NOT have any gangsta dolls at Toy R Us or Target?!?!?!?! I'm still tryin' cause DAWG I got some ideas just a brewin!

I say Bee pumps up the volume and gives the old hag a coronary.

Memarie Lane said...

Ice is actually in trouble for beating up his girlfriend right now, so I don't think he needs another one.

Alice said...

Kelly - I aim to choke! affair...check with Sue..

Bee - Sorry!

Robyn - Ack, we don't have the Beach House! But we do have a crappy yard sale doll house on it's last leg.

Coconut - Gotta go check through our collection of nude Barbies.

Q. Goog - Ebay's the only way. Or you gotta go cruise the yard sales.

Marie - Keeping tabs on Perez Hilton are we?

VE said...

I have a sneaky suspicion some of those shots are actually of dolls...

Alice said...

VE - I think you need to get off the weed. Everything you see is real.

Caroline said...

Ok, that was brilliant! I have seen the other Gangsta...but this takes the cake. What was going on with the ponies...oh god, I don't want to go there... Thanks for the laugh!

Amy said...

OMG, you totally brought me back to the hysterical!

Manager Mom said...

OK - you gotta stop with the Vanilla Ice. I spit (spat? sput?) Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi all over my computer keyboard.

Manager Mom said...

And I just noticed that Robyn spewed regular Pepsi. Damn, your readers have fine taste in beverages...

Jeff said...

"...slammed my junk in the hatchback of my Datsun..."

That sounds painful!

Meg said...

I always thought V. Ice was more of a Bratz guy.


Never has 'playin the ponies' taken on such an unseemly twist.

I wonder where I need to turn in my resume to become a My Little Pony pimp?!!?

Hey It's Di said...

Holy Crap Lady! You are cracking me up big time. FORTUNATELY for me this is the one time I didn't have Diet Coke (with lime) in my mouth. Some folks weren't so lucky from what I read:)

Where in the world do you come up with this stuff? You should top that Humor chart with this no doubt!

Anonymous said...


Hello fellow Marylander!

Shelley said...

Oh lordy, this made me laugh so hard. That Run DMC doll is the bomb! Man, I miss 1986. My kids are now playing the Guitar Hero Aerosmith version, so I've been listening to Aerosmith and Run DMC collaborate on Walk This Way, plus there's another Run DMC song on there, King of Rock. Now I wish they'd picked U B Illin' instead. Or My Adidas. I'm going back to the post just so I can listen to it again.

marshiemallows said...

funny! rofl

Alice said...

Caroline & Amy - Thanks, and you don't want to know what was happening with the ponies.

Manager Mom - I think "sput" would have been more correct.

Jeff - It is...from what I hear.

Meg - I have to leave the Bratz for Bathtub Gangsta.

Elastic - I'll be taking applications until the end of this week! Go for it!

Alice said...

Whatlizsaid - Welcome and thanks for stopping by!

Shelley - I just watched a South Park on Guitar Hero and REALLY want to get it now. I've been trying to just get by on GameCube but I can feel the next step coming along.

Marshiemallows - Thanks!

LceeL said...

My junk is having sympathy pains.

Tink said...


Bee said...

Okay, I love love love the shirt you made! I'd go into selling doll clothes if I were you. You also transformed him from bland Vanilla to a flavorful Mocha brotha'!

Rph Mommy said...

Thank you for introducing me to the Bathtub Gangster. Between that and V. Ice, my computer screen is not covered in snot. Thanks for that.


MamaGeek said...

Ice DOES need a girlfriend! Oh this was HILARIOUS.

Word to your mutha.

The Girl Next Door said...

I am very, very between laughter. This is simply TOO MUCH!!

Kylie in Warsaw said...

You had me singing Ice, Ice Baby all day, much to my 14 year old daughter's chagrin.

I've started telling her friends "Word to your mother".

Not Just Any Jen said...

Oh, my! This is just freaking hilarious!

Sean C said...

hahahaha... OMG... hahahahaha... i want a vanilla ice doll NOW.

Mary Witzl said...

This just cracked me up. I've been sitting here all irritated and bummed out over rejections and I came here and found this and laughed myself silly. Now I'm going to go rewrite something...

If you hadn't already given me that award, I would have to give it right back to you.

I clicked on Humor Blogs again! (Is that all I have to do? Is there some place where I can vote for you? I'm a Luddite and only recently au fait with all this computer stuff.)

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