Thursday, June 12, 2008

Ghoulies and Ghosties and Long-Leggedy Beasties

I generally don’t watch much TV unless it’s got the word “Survivor” or “Rock Hard Abs” in the title. But with the kids sucking up the bedroom last night and Babycakes World of Warcrafting on the computer, I flipped on the TV to a show called ‘MonsterQuest’ and found them investigating the Lizzie Borden House in Massachusetts. My good friend Lucy has been trying to talk me into spending a night at the Lizzie Borden House for a while. Our conversations go like this:

Lucy: Let’s go stay at the Lizzie Borden House!

Alice: No.

I’m all about visiting during high noon with plenty of people forming a safety circle around me, but come evening, I’ll be at the HoJo’s with cable reruns of ‘The Brady Bunch’ and a normal heart rate.

With all their fancy infrared cameras and audio equipment, MonsterQuest didn’t really prove anything, but they sure know how to edit a bunch of nothing into a flood of endorphins and creeping scalp. And then the cat goes into alert mode at nothing on the stairwell. That’s it, flip on all the lights.

Here is my great brain divide: in my heart of hearts, I don’t really believe in ghosts. In my heart of hearts, if I think my house is even remotely haunted, the FOR SALE sign goes up tomorrow. I’ve seen Poltergeist and I’m no fool.

About seven years ago, my friend Jill was getting married over in Virginia and I was in the wedding party. Her Mom had a house near the wedding site and she invited me to spend the night there before the wedding the next day. It was an older, Colonial-era house that had been revamped and was completely lovely.

We eat, do some small talk, and start gathering bags to head upstairs for bed. Jill’s brother pipes up, “Did you tell her about the ghost?”

Alice: (WTF! – He didn’t just say that right before I head upstairs. At night. With no HoJo’s around.) *expression halfway between disbelief and grimace crosses face*

Jill’s Mom: Oh, don’t worry, it’s a nice ghost.

I don’t give a rat’s ass if it’s Caspar bringing me flowers – I DON’T DO HAUNTED!

They all start talking about cold spots and candlesticks moving and all I wanted to do was put my hands over my ears, close my eyes and say ‘LALALALA….CANT’ HEAR YOU…’

Jill and I are sleeping in the same room (thankfully). I lie down, clamp my eyes shut and vow not to open them until morning. Around 2 am, all the liquid at dinner is screaming at me to find a toilet.

Nope. I can hold it another 4-5 hours for daylight.

And this is where I discovered that NOT peeing on someone’s furniture trumped possibly seeing an apparition. With head down, I ran to the bathroom and took the fastest whizz I ever took and jumped back into bed. I tell you it's possible to do this fast enough that you will miss any paranormal activity around you.

And I can safely say that I was not visited that night because of my massive mental powers of dissuasion that I was throwing off. Y’all might have felt them.

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Lizzie Borden took an axe, gave Humor-Blogs 40 whacks...

29 Comments :

Hey It's Di said...

I don't know whether I'm a believer in ghosts or not but I'm also NOT interested in finding out! I watched "Sixth Sense" one time and it still freaks me out anytime a room is cold! I'm afraid to get out of bed even to pee!

Kelly said...

Sheesh..that is freaky...I would totally pull an all nighter at Denny's or something rather than stay in a haunted house..
When I was a kid I swore there was a demon under my bed and when I'd shut the lights off I'd do an olympic sized hurdle to reach the bed. hell I still do that, who am I kidding..lol

Alice said...

Di - I'm on board with the 'not interested in finding out' philosophy. I was all cool with walking around my house at night until I saw this.

Kelly - LOL! I did the same hurdle move growing up. A Denny's close by would have been awesome.

Rph Mommy said...

I won't even look in the mirror if I have to pee in a dark bathroom at night because of that old "bloody mary" story. Ewwwwwww.

Tracy said...

I'm always torn on whether or not I believe in ghosts.
After watching The Sixth Sense, for months after that if I woke up in the middle of the night and had to pee, I would wake my husband up and tell him that I was going to the bathroom. It felt better to know that somebody knew where I was, you know, just in case.
So, I'm right there with you. If I even get a hint of a ghost in our house I'm sellin!

Alice said...

RPH Mom - NO WAY! That story haunts me to this day too and I still won't look into a mirror when I pee at night!!

Tracy - Y'all keep mentioning the 'Sixth Sense' but I don't remember it being that scary. Maybe I need to go and rewatch. Or maybe I just don't remember. Now the 'The Blair Witch Project' creeped me out BIG TIME.

Anonymous said...

Soooo... you really didn't do the night ghost tour in Savannah?

Katie :)

Anonymous said...

Ask people you trust if they can tell when a ghost is in the room and I'll bet that if you can ask it without looking like you're going to freak out on them, about 20% will say yes.

Alice, if you hear a bump in the night and put your house up for sale, consider relocating to Chicago.

Bee said...

Ya know what?? I feel the same way. The same. I don't mind scaring other people just as long as nobody does it to me.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Last Halloween I wrote a whole series of the creepy stuff thats happened around where I live. The stories included the most horrible thing I've ever lived through. It involved my 5 year old brother's talking Mickey Mouse. You don't want to know any more than that. k?

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

My mom played it cool about the weird sheet going on in our house until the house got sold....just exactly what the previous owners did until they sold it to us.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

You know what should be a crime? The unrestricted business practices of Haunted houses that open up at Halloween. I mean, some around here are charging 30 bucks and up to go on their house tours.

I would rather save the money, stay home, and keep my pants/panties dry, thank you.

Alice said...

Katie - No, I really did that. For some reason I'm not as freaked when I'm outdoors listening to ghost stories. I cannot explain this.

N - OK, where did you get this statistic? That's creepy. What's your take on ghosts? The minute GirlChild scootches across the floor by ghostly hands, were as good as in Chicago.

Bee - I like a good double standard. They kinda rule my world.

Elastic - See, you barely gave me any details, but I'm all creeped out now. I'll go back to your blog and try to find these stories. When it's daylight.

Manager Mom said...

You are a better woman than I. I would have peed everywhere! I can't belive you can actually spend the night at the Lizzie Bordon house. And that people find that FUN!!!

gadragonfly said...

Well I used a Ouija board in college at an old farm house & I will swear to this day that that house was haunted. I experienced & heard too many things of what went on to not believe. Ask Caroline about the Juliette Gordon Lowe house in Savannah, she's seen some weird stuff there.
Speaking of Poltergeist be careful if & when you install a pool, that's all I ever think of when I see a big sloped hole.
Carol Anne!

Alice said...

Manager Mom - I don't get it either. If I can barely watch it on TV, there's just NO way.

D - Caroline told me some of the stories. Now I need to hear your ouija board ones. How have I NOT heard them before?

Mrs. Who said...

You could not PAY ME ENOUGH to stay in a place like that.

Sue said...

Oh HELL-to-the-no. No, no, no. I don't do seances or Ouija boards either. I'm all about segregation when it comes to ghosts: you got your own little house/castle/mansion, good for you. Stay there.

Jenn Thorson said...

Heh- I didn't know Lizzie Borden's house had become a tourist attraction, but I'm not surprised. Hey, in England I was kinda interested in seeing what their "Jack The Ripper" tour was about... Only I also wanted to see more credible attractions like, oh, the Tate Gallery and The Tower of London.

The program you were watching sounds a bit like Ghosthunters. I don't believe in ghosts but it's hysterical to see how they make a plotline in these shows.

Memarie Lane said...

I lived in a haunted hotel for awhile. It had both good and bad ghosts. Luckily none of them were interested in my room, but locking up the rooms at night could be a pretty freaky experience.

Bex said...

One time I was spending the night at my Aunts house. I was getting ready to go to bed when she decided to tell me about her haunted house. She said that her ghosts were all in "period dress" which I took to mean that they were from the 1800's (versus having their periods). Anyway, it scared the shit out of me, although I don't believe in ghosts, either. It's probably an even scarier proposition to have PMSing ghosts. Hm. I'm glad I didn't think of that that night.

Suze's Sass said...

I'm with you. I saw the movie Amityville Horror. If I walked into my house and it said "GET OUT" I would leave immediately - furniture, clothes, husband - not even a backwards glance.

Walking With Scissors said...

I've never had an experience with a ghost but I did used to make my dog come to the basement with me whenever I had to pee because I was convinced that E.T. lived in the deep freeze. I doubt that counts, though.

Oh, and creeping scalp? Best descriptor ever!!

Anonymous said...

Isn't it lke a statistician (sp?) to ask me where I got my numbers. Well, I settled on 20% after doing my own anecdotal research, and I even low-balled it since I haven't asked that many people. I have one colleague (a teacher) who can tell if there are ghosts in a room (she's walked in and sensed two women, for instance, and she just acknowledges them and goes about her business. It's happened to her many times.), and another whose daughter, from the time she was a baby, turned to the corner above her bed most nights and talked about someone being there. BTW, they've since moved out of that house.

Me, I believe in them only because it's nearly impossible for something to be impossible (you, the statistician, might be able to verify that.) I've made a deal with God that it's okay if I see a ghost if it would save someone's life. Otherwise, I don't watch shows about, think about, or hope to see anything ethereal.

JD at I Do Things said...

I don't not believe in ghosts. I've never seen convincing evidence, but if I was scared enough, I might pee on the floor and later blame it on ghosts.

JD at I Do Things

Alice said...

Mrs. Who - I think it's possible to pay me enough. But's it would be a LOT of money.

Sue - Then I'll have to fill you in on my sister's ouija board experience.

Jenn - Aww...you gotta do the cheese with the credible stuff. A friend mentioned GhostHunters to me before, but I've never seen it. She said they try to debunk ghost stories so I'll have to find it and give it a watch.

Marie - You're a brave woman. I really don't think I could live in a haunted hotel. Especially after seeing The Shining.

Bex - Why do people tell you just before going to bed? That's so wrong.

Alice said...

Suze - I haven't seen Amityville in a LONG time. Don't think I even remember the plot. I'll save it up for a bright and sunny day with lots of folks around.

Scissors - LOL...ET in the freezer! I'm really glad we don't have a basement in our current house. Bad things happen in basements.

N - I assign percentages based on folks I talk with too. My own sad informal survey. I know too many people (who aren't crazy/nuts) who have had experiences and talk about them. I like your seeing-a-ghost deal. Sounds like a plan I could live with, although I hope the person I'm saving is comfortable with me having urine pants when I do my rescuing.

JD - I think you should spend the night at the Lizzie Borden House, SO I DON'T HAVE TO!!!

LceeL said...

Scaredy cat.

Mary Witzl said...

This is wonderful, and I'll go vote for it as soon as I'm finished here!

If you ever go to Big Sur in California, let me know and I'll give you a heads-up on an inn I stayed at there, where I definitely saw a ghost -- just to save you from possibly having the same experience. I'm betting someone there still remembers my scream; I actually impressed myself.

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