Nachos...? THIS IS SPARTAAAA

‘It began with the forging of the Great Rings.’

*munch*munch*

‘Three were given to the Elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.’

*chomp*smack*chomp*

‘Seven, to the Dwarf…’

“WTF IS THAT NOISE?!”

That noise, my friend, would be the sound of a moo-cow chawing through a two gallon bucket of popcorn and the reason why I average one movie per year at an actual theater. Like most of my OCD tics, things auditory are at the root. People are pigs. People can’t seem to close their mouths and chew. People can’t seem to get the product into their mouths fast enough and instead of the movie, I end up focusing on their cow-like jaw movements and noises and wishing they would choke on the popcorn already. This is my movie-going insanity.


Movie 2003 – 'The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King'

Our local theater is small, dank and on the sticky side of the whole movie going experience – you have a hard time pulling your sneaker back up off the floor, the armrests are missing and you’ll most likely be hearing American Pie: VI next door while watching your own flick. I gave 'Return of the King' several months before going so the crowd would be sparse and found a seat in an empty section. Promptly, a 300 lb. (each) couple who felt it necessary to have popcorn AND nachos AND candy AND a gallon of soda sat their asses in the row in front of me and one seat to the right of my viewing pleasure. The nachos put me over the edge.

Who's retarded decision was it to serve nachos during a movie and can’t you people make it two hours without shoveling food into your piehole?

My popcorn hate is nothing compared to nacho wrath. I moved to the back of the theater and listened to the candy-counter soda-carbonator wheeze periodically and I’ll say it was preferable to Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.

Movie 2006 – 'Cars'

I felt like Bad Boring Mom during the summer and so the last week before school started, I decided to suck it up and drive the kids to the AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, STADIUM-SEATING theater I had discovered in Silver Spring. ‘Cars’ had been out for a long time, it was a weekday and it was 11:00 in the morning so I thought we’d be OK on the 300 lb. pig attendance. I packed up BoyChild, GirlChild and their friend Andy, and drove an hour to the heavenly theater. We park, pay and experience what was quite possibly the BEST MOVIE EXPERIENCE EVER! Aside from 2 other adult people (with no popcorn) we had the whole theater to ourselves. FREAKIN’ A!! The kids were great and ‘Cars’ turned out to be a pretty good movie - I loved feeling the vibrations of the racing scenes with the theater’s awesome sound system. With 15 minutes of the movie left – the fire alarm goes off.

NNOOOO!!! WHAT KIND OF KARMA IS THISSSSS?????

WHY? WHY? I haven’t seen a movie in three years and it happens NOW?

All theaters are evacuating. I’m stringing 3 little kids along through the pulsating crowd and can only weep that my most perfect movie experience ever has been ruined.

Movie 2007 – '300'

I really wanted to see '300' on the large screen because of the cinematic special effects extravaganza of many shirtless men with well defined abs - so I travel again to the gorgeous Majestic 20 of Silver Spring. The theater is maybe a third full and I sit in the very back row that has a nice wheelchair sized access path in front leaving a good six foot barrier between me and the rest of the theater. I look to the right. About 6 seats down are three goths, one of whom I just catch lowering his arm and shooting up before the movie starts. Nice. To my left about 6 seats down – what appears to be a homeless man unwrapping a Subway sub. Oh Please Lord No! *crinkle*crinkle*unwrap*crinkle* To his credit, at least the homeless man finished off the crinkle-y sub in the first five minutes and the heroin hounds to the right were absolutely silent.

Lesson learned – drug addicts and the homeless make excellent theater companions.

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Click here to sign the Movie Nachos Ban Petition.