Monday, May 5, 2008


‘It began with the forging of the Great Rings.’


‘Three were given to the Elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.’


‘Seven, to the Dwarf…’


That noise, my friend, would be the sound of a moo-cow chawing through a two gallon bucket of popcorn and the reason why I average one movie per year at an actual theater. Like most of my OCD tics, things auditory are at the root. People are pigs. People can’t seem to close their mouths and chew. People can’t seem to get the product into their mouths fast enough and instead of the movie, I end up focusing on their cow-like jaw movements and noises and wishing they would choke on the popcorn already. This is my movie-going insanity.

Movie 2003 – 'The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King'

Our local theater is small, dank and on the sticky side of the whole movie going experience – you have a hard time pulling your sneaker back up off the floor, the armrests are missing and you’ll most likely be hearing American Pie: VI next door while watching your own flick. I gave 'Return of the King' several months before going so the crowd would be sparse and found a seat in an empty section. Promptly, a 300 lb. (each) couple who felt it necessary to have popcorn AND nachos AND candy AND a gallon of soda sat their asses in the row in front of me and one seat to the right of my viewing pleasure. The nachos put me over the edge.

Who's retarded decision was it to serve nachos during a movie and can’t you people make it two hours without shoveling food into your piehole?

My popcorn hate is nothing compared to nacho wrath. I moved to the back of the theater and listened to the candy-counter soda-carbonator wheeze periodically and I’ll say it was preferable to Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.

Movie 2006 – 'Cars'

I felt like Bad Boring Mom during the summer and so the last week before school started, I decided to suck it up and drive the kids to the AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, STADIUM-SEATING theater I had discovered in Silver Spring. ‘Cars’ had been out for a long time, it was a weekday and it was 11:00 in the morning so I thought we’d be OK on the 300 lb. pig attendance. I packed up BoyChild, GirlChild and their friend Andy, and drove an hour to the heavenly theater. We park, pay and experience what was quite possibly the BEST MOVIE EXPERIENCE EVER! Aside from 2 other adult people (with no popcorn) we had the whole theater to ourselves. FREAKIN’ A!! The kids were great and ‘Cars’ turned out to be a pretty good movie - I loved feeling the vibrations of the racing scenes with the theater’s awesome sound system. With 15 minutes of the movie left – the fire alarm goes off.


WHY? WHY? I haven’t seen a movie in three years and it happens NOW?

All theaters are evacuating. I’m stringing 3 little kids along through the pulsating crowd and can only weep that my most perfect movie experience ever has been ruined.

Movie 2007 – '300'

I really wanted to see '300' on the large screen because of the cinematic special effects extravaganza of many shirtless men with well defined abs - so I travel again to the gorgeous Majestic 20 of Silver Spring. The theater is maybe a third full and I sit in the very back row that has a nice wheelchair sized access path in front leaving a good six foot barrier between me and the rest of the theater. I look to the right. About 6 seats down are three goths, one of whom I just catch lowering his arm and shooting up before the movie starts. Nice. To my left about 6 seats down – what appears to be a homeless man unwrapping a Subway sub. Oh Please Lord No! *crinkle*crinkle*unwrap*crinkle* To his credit, at least the homeless man finished off the crinkle-y sub in the first five minutes and the heroin hounds to the right were absolutely silent.

Lesson learned – drug addicts and the homeless make excellent theater companions.

Click here to sign the Movie Nachos Ban Petition.


Mongoliangirl said...

I think we may visit the same theater. Even G-rated slowly turn into a bizarre feeling that I'm visiting the local 'adult' theater due to that sticky floor problem.

Jonny's Mommy said...

Holy crap you do have awful theater experiences!

I've had some bad ones involving teens with cell phones calling each other from the front and the back of the theater. No kidding.
This was also during a Lord of the Rings movie.

But the shooting up thing..have not had the pleasure of witnessing that a theater or out.

JD at I Do Things said...

"Popcorn hate and nacho wrath." I think we're going to be friends. This was a very funny post, and I feel your hatred 1000 percent. I watched 300 for a second time on TV and it just wasn't the same. Maybe I needed to shoot up?

JD at I Do Things

Alice said...

M-girl - I can safely say (because my Mom could be reading this) that I haven't been to an adult theater, but that would be our local theater.

J-Mom - You're obviously going to movies in the wrong part of town. ; )

JD - 300 was definitely a large screen flick. No need to shoot up, pills will be fine.


I'm going through Marty Feldman Withdrawal Symptoms here. Where is Marty?!!?? Where are you hiding him? Marty would never crunch and munch nachos during a movie. I just know it.


You and I are kindred spirits. I try to calm my neurosis in public but people rattling stuff, shaking the ice in their cups, and digging through popcorn cups at the movies absolutely unnerves me. Ditto for people who use that time to get horned up and rub each other's backs right in front of you. So distracting.

Luckily, we can't really afford to go to movies and when we do we take our homeschooled kids with us to the early morning matinee where it's free of the legions of the uncouth.

(We should also talk about people who chomp and smack/crack their gum in pubic, too)

kev said...

Excellent. I sincerely, wholeheartedly, 100% agree and can relate. I go to movie theaters maybe once every two years. I just can't stand the noise. People talking, people eating, people laughing at things that aren't funny...

It's my belief these people came to the theater for the sole purpose of killing my joy.

Alice said...

Elastic - Marty has returned! And I am SOOOO with you on the whole ice-in-the-cup and public gum chewing. My kids know that if I hear the gum, they have to spit it out. Some days I wish I was on the Gum Police Patrol.

Kev - *sniff* I thought it was just me. And it SUCKS because I actually like seeing movies on the big screen and feeling all absorbed. My joy is dead too.

Bee said...

Holy Crunchers Batman!!!!

We go to those movie theaters with stadium seating adn loud loud sound. You can't hear the person next to you much less other crunchers. We saw 300 at the IMAX in Navy Pier it was awesome!

I don't know what I'd do if we didn't go to the movies. We don't do much else now that we're fuddy duddies. :o)

April said...

well seems to me you are getting two entertaining expiriences for the price of one! bring a tazer next time..

Alice said...

Bee - I'm jealous! I would have loved to have seen that at an IMAX. Our closest is at the Smithsonian and I'm not sure if they do regular movies too. Must check out.

April - Ooooo...tazer...I wonder how inconspicuous using one would be!?

gadragonfly said...

Thank you for this post. It helped my co-workers see why I hate hearing any little unnecessary noises, like pens clicking or tapping on a desk. The sensitive ears run in the family. It's funny when new people start others must tell them to not make random noises around me. It really puts me over the edge.

Silver Dragon said...

The Return of the King was actually three hours and twenty-one minutes long.

Alice said...

gadragon - you're welcome - I try to help out where I can.

silver dragon - yeah, I used '2' more for sentence flow than accuracy

Silver Dragon said...

This was a pretty good post, for a woman. I rather enjoyed it. It actually made me laugh.

Alice said...

SDragon - ; ) Thanks. I think.

Amy said...

Just saw Kung Fu Panda. A "plus size" woman, loudly trampled to her seat, maneuvering in front of us, knocking over one of the kid's popcorn bags, to which mass hysteria set in, "MYYYY POPPPP CORRRNN~!!! IT'SSSS GOOOONNNNEEE! WAAAAAAA!" I would rather watch anything at home on our comfy couch.

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