Once upon a time there were three ducks. Their names were Jean-Claude, Antoine and Bernadette. They were a happy threesome just trying to have a good time on the Spiderman Slip-n-Slide. 
That was ... until Carlos and Maria decided that they were missing out on good times and waddled on over, trying to make the ménage à trois, a ménage à cinq. 
Carlos said, "Holaaaa Bernadette...you lookin' fuego."
Maria said, "I'm outta here."
Jean Claude said, "Quack."
Bernadette said, "You people..uh..ducks are stupid. I'm going back to see Spidey."
Antoine said, "Mange d'la marde."
Then Antoine got all up in Carlos' face and proceeded to commit homosexual duck rape, first brought to our attention by the Smiling Infidel. Only she left out the homosexual part and I had to sort of discover that for myself.
Yeah - I'm awake now too.
On the furrier side of our petting zoo, I've decided to show you a pic of my visiting raccoon who likes to come late at night while I'm on the computer and fiddle with the doorknob. Do you know what a raccoon fiddling with a doorknob sounds like? Yeah...a rapist duck.
But we're best buds now that I've stopped freaking out everytime the knob rattles. I do give him treats and y'all can spare me the rabies lecture since Babycakes already gave it to me. See - he's even sticking his tongue out at you!
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Join HARD - Humor-Bloggers Against Rapist Ducks
28 Comments :
Love the new avatar and your Raping Duck series. But dang, your word verifications are difficult.
Ha Ha HA!!! You cracked me up!! How come I'm not lucky enough to have duck porn in my backyard??
No thanks on the rapist racoon.
Meg - Thanks and I've had other people mention how dumb some of the verifications are. Sorry!
Bee - It was so bizzare. At first I thought he had nabbed Maria. It was only later that I could see the man on man action.
It's a regular wild kingdom over here, isn't it? Cute coon-- and hey, maybe your furry bandit might be effective at scaring off any real ones. :)
LMAO - that duck drama is hilarious. I love how the female was all "I'm out". :D
Jenn - Yeah - we do seem to get a lot of animals. I occassionally see brown bunnies which are awfully cute but too fast for me and some woodchuck/groundhog things. We sometimes get a stinky possum which I can't stand - the smell is just terrible.
Sue - I can only hope that there are future episodes of this soap opera for you. But sadly I need to move the Slip-n-Slide before it kills my grass. It was such a great duck attraction!
Oh, Antoine. Will you never learn?
How come all the wildlife in my backyard (ie, rabbits and squirrels) seem to be celibate? I want animal porn!
JD at I Do Things
JD - Be careful what you wish for! Muahhahahha...
I have to admit something to you, Alice. I didn't come by my knowledge of Duck Sexuality on my own. No, I learned it from a fellow blogger(Omar Phillips) who had a not-so-family-friendly pack of ducks making it on his front lawn last year in view of his son.
Read The Duck Crisis HERE and you'll have to scroll around but you must see the funny 'BROKEBACK YARD-love is a force of nature picture' HERE.
Break out the BBQ pit and the orange glaze....we're having a duck dinner party at Alice's!!!
Elastic - Love his stuff! Especially the Brokeback Duck pic. ROFL!
Mmmm..orange glaze....sounds so artificial and preservative-y...
Okay, you got me. I'll be back. Anybody that features pictures of homo duck rape has gotta be good in my book. that, and I wonder if your raccoon is related to the effin critters that have taken up residence in my attic. Which I can't seem to be rid of. And who seem to wrestle with each other all. night. long. But hey, I like it here, and with your permission, I'll be back.
p.s. AllMediocre ROCKS.
I was going to say the same thing about the word verifications! The last comment I left, I failed like three times! And I'm smarter than the average bear, or atleast that's what my momma always told me.
I can't believe you witnessed a duck raping and didnt' call the proper authorities! For shame!
And why does only one of your ducks speak a different language? Just curious.
lceel - I'm so pleased that I was able to nab you with with my yard porn. Score! No permission needed to return and I just sent in my stuff to AllMediocre. Sounds about my speed. Thanks for the tip!
Tracy - Hey! Carlos used the words 'hola' and 'fuego'!! And it took all my internet sleuthing skills to get those two words.
I've had a lot of complaints on the word verification. Maybe I'll remove it and only reinstate it if I notice spam.
What a great post! I loved the photos!
I had no idea ducks were so lusty. good to know
In other news, I am mailing out your hot sox tomorrow
Damn, I need to find me some ducks for my yard. Looks like hours of entertainment. For me. Not them.
Welcome to AllMediocre!
Stacey - Thanks!
Jean Knee - I'll be sitting by the mailbox waiting to blog about my sox!
AMom2Boys - Thanks for adding me - and trust me - you don't want the ducks. They left crap all over the slip-n-slide.
OK - that was really frigging funny. I dont' know what your karma is that you happened to have camera handy to witness the duck violation but we're all the better for it.
Where has your blog been all my life?
lol thats hilarious! duck porn..now thats something I have yet to see, unfortunatly I have seen horses do the wild thing and I have not been the same ever since..*shudder*
Your friendly neighborhood coon is awesome..I just have the dumb ol' possums who wrecked havoc on our garden, little bastards..
Manager Mom - It must have been terrible for the number of duck violations I've seen. And my blog's been sittin' here just waiting for you babe!
Kelly - I've got a possum too and his favorite trick it to get trapped in the recycling bin so my garage stinks for 3 days. Why do they smell so freakin' bad?!?!?
I've seen pigeons do some pretty strange things.
LOL! Nothing like some old fashioned duck porn to start my day off right. Love it. They're here, they're queer - get used to it. :)
another alice!! and here i thought i was all unique as the only alice commenting at tessie's :-)
it is a VERY GOOD thing i don't have a raccoon rattling my door every night, because i watch FAR too much law & order.
Wow, talk about fowl play! I never knew there were such things as homosexual ducks... not that there's anything wrong with that!
Boy, I can't wait to see what your Google searches bring you after this post! ;b
We have raccoons come and try to get through our cat door sometimes. Scary!!!!
Okay maybe not really in the scheme of things that could be scary, maybe this is on the bottom of the list, but I've gotta get my thrills where I can.
Yo, Alice! Ah-- you found out it was me-- and I was trying to be sneaky! (HAHAHAHA) Yay, good fun. Glad to have Reddited your ducks-- I did put it under "Funny" and not, "Adult Waterfowl Fantasies" so the folks had SOME clue at least what it might be. (That was a hysterical post anyway.)
And maybe "bad yard" is the right phrase, after what happened to that one duck. :)
I'm tittering at the thought of your google searches too. A friend of mine with a horse blog had to give it another name. She got people who were looking for, um, something different.
Love those ducks, and I wish I had a raccoon. I'd brave the rabies thing; they're that cute.
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