Strange Existence

Alice dropping in to let you know that she hasn't been hit by a bus or had her classroom dictatorship overthrown by a student coup. Oh, I'm a dictator alright. But a kindly one. With a big stick and a wicked backhand to the side of the head.

Not only do I not have a blog life anymore, but my real life is almost entirely school-centric. Every last minute is sucked up with lesson-plans and grading and bribing kids with the Jumbo Bag-o-Jolly Ranchers.

The straight up scoop is: I love the kids.

I hate the paperwork.

My strange existence starts far too early in the morning. I wake up and can only gulp down one cup of coffee before I pray that something ironed has magically appeared in my closet. I simply don't put on anything without a camisole or slip because there is far too much reaching in my day and I'll be damned if those kids will ever catch a glimpse of my pasty white belly.

I also realized last Friday that I hadn't shaved for at least 10 days and hoped the kids wouldn't start calling me 'Cactus' when they caught sight of my legs. They really were a travesty. I didn't even let the hair get that long in Africa in the middle of the bush.

I usually arrive in the dark at the same time as the physics teacher across the hall. We've decided to form our own bi-umvirate. Is that a word? Sort of like a triumvirate. But with two people. Instead of three.

He's cool in a completely geeky way. Here's how we work:

PhysicsMan: Hey, what math do you teach?

Me: I have all algebra.

PhysicsMan: The kids in my class stink with formulas, could you work them into your class?

Me: Sure, just slide them my way.

Now does everyone see that that exchange took no paperwork AND was completed in under 20 seconds?

We should be co-dictators of the school.

Anyhoo...I'm in the midst of filling out interim reports for the kids and there is a pull-down menu of comments that you can insert into the report. They've got everything from 'excessive absences' to 'needs to review for tests.'

For my favorite class entertainer, I've already included the comments 'has a good sense of humor' and 'needs to improve posture.' I hope his parents have a good sense of humor. Or I suspect I'll be called in soon for adding stupid comments to interim reports for a math class.

Missing you all - I suspect I won't be back into any regular blog action until next summer. It's all just too much right now. I use my 10 free minutes of me-time for a good cry and something with the word 'tequila shooter' in it. I think my interim reports could be even MORE interesting after that. Hmmmm....

Joe Blow - C - 'whines more than my kids'
Amy Smamy - B - 'no one gives a shit about your Hollister shirt'
Pat Smat - A - 'lighten up geek, it's Algebra 1'
Ted Smed - F - 'hope you can work a spatula'

Alice signing off.