Monday, September 29, 2008

Strange Existence

Alice dropping in to let you know that she hasn't been hit by a bus or had her classroom dictatorship overthrown by a student coup. Oh, I'm a dictator alright. But a kindly one. With a big stick and a wicked backhand to the side of the head.

Not only do I not have a blog life anymore, but my real life is almost entirely school-centric. Every last minute is sucked up with lesson-plans and grading and bribing kids with the Jumbo Bag-o-Jolly Ranchers.

The straight up scoop is: I love the kids.

I hate the paperwork.

My strange existence starts far too early in the morning. I wake up and can only gulp down one cup of coffee before I pray that something ironed has magically appeared in my closet. I simply don't put on anything without a camisole or slip because there is far too much reaching in my day and I'll be damned if those kids will ever catch a glimpse of my pasty white belly.

I also realized last Friday that I hadn't shaved for at least 10 days and hoped the kids wouldn't start calling me 'Cactus' when they caught sight of my legs. They really were a travesty. I didn't even let the hair get that long in Africa in the middle of the bush.

I usually arrive in the dark at the same time as the physics teacher across the hall. We've decided to form our own bi-umvirate. Is that a word? Sort of like a triumvirate. But with two people. Instead of three.

He's cool in a completely geeky way. Here's how we work:

PhysicsMan: Hey, what math do you teach?

Me: I have all algebra.

PhysicsMan: The kids in my class stink with formulas, could you work them into your class?

Me: Sure, just slide them my way.

Now does everyone see that that exchange took no paperwork AND was completed in under 20 seconds?

We should be co-dictators of the school.

Anyhoo...I'm in the midst of filling out interim reports for the kids and there is a pull-down menu of comments that you can insert into the report. They've got everything from 'excessive absences' to 'needs to review for tests.'

For my favorite class entertainer, I've already included the comments 'has a good sense of humor' and 'needs to improve posture.' I hope his parents have a good sense of humor. Or I suspect I'll be called in soon for adding stupid comments to interim reports for a math class.

Missing you all - I suspect I won't be back into any regular blog action until next summer. It's all just too much right now. I use my 10 free minutes of me-time for a good cry and something with the word 'tequila shooter' in it. I think my interim reports could be even MORE interesting after that. Hmmmm....

Joe Blow - C - 'whines more than my kids'
Amy Smamy - B - 'no one gives a shit about your Hollister shirt'
Pat Smat - A - 'lighten up geek, it's Algebra 1'
Ted Smed - F - 'hope you can work a spatula'

Alice signing off.


for a different kind of girl said...

But?! Wha?! How about holiday break?!


Thanks for peeking out of your reports and letting us know you're doing well!

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I would appreciate those comments in my daughter's reports.

Too bad you're lost to the real world. I just started teaching religion to kids 12-17 and I'm going to die. I'm going back to the doctor this week to get back on my anti anxiety meds. I've been off for years (probably shouldn't have been, but I found the best way to deal with my anxiety was to just not deal with what caused my anxiety - why doesn't everyone think of that?), but the kids give me nightmares.

Cocotte said...

Loved your unique comments.....Hollister shirt.....bahahaha!

Jess said...

I sooo wish I knew what my teachers talked about when I was in high school...we were such a roudy and fun bunch!

MereCat said...

You are fun and funny. Don't sign off completely. Even if you just drop by once and a while, we will be listening for you. And I loved the special comments. Hollister shirt WAHhh hahahhaha!

Kelly said...

You are alive!!!

Good to see you are alive and kickin'!
Miss you!

Good N Crazy said...

Here's to wishing you were MY kids' teacher!

Jenn Thorson said...

Totally miss you, Alice! So glad to know things are going well, if intensely. Power to you.

JD at I Do Things said...

God bless the teachers of this world! Especially the ones concerned with posture and leg hair.

JD at I Do Things

Manager Mom said...

I miss ya, Alice. But I know that your absence is for the greater good - stuffing some knowledge in to these kids heads. When you come roaring back to bloggyville on your summer hiatus (IF we are so lucky to have you back) we will be waiting.

Ashley. Unscripted... said...


Miss you!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I'm so glad to see you're back adding crap to the internet again (I borrowed that line once but added Happy Hour Sue's chardonay swiggin').

Missed you.

Soccer Mom In Heels said...

Waaa! We miss u~! Glad your working life is treating you well! It will get easier as time goes by. Enjoy~!

jen said...

good to hear from you.
so sorry that it won't be more often.
wishing you lots o'snarky comments...and plenty of tequila shots.

jen said...

snarky comments for students...
not snarky comments based upon your blog.
oh god...i should just go back and erase ALL of that.
just ignore me.

Sparkliesunshine said...

I'm so glad things are going well. I hope you put good comments on those interim reports too. I used to be so excited to get a good one since most of mine were sadly negative.

LceeL said...

I miss you SO much. But I understand - those little High School critters need you more than I do. But I'll be waiting, nonetheless.


Hey It's Di said...

I'm so glad to know that you are alive and kicking those kids butts in line! I love the paper above!! Nothing like writing out all your thoughts in hopes for a teacher with a soft heart and sense of humor.

I too have taken on a full time job plus and understand the time issue. My blogging is getting less and less and will continue to. I will keep stopping back to make sure you are surviving teen world:)

Alice Wills Gold said...

Loving the wish list for the interim reports..wouldn't it be awesome to really inform the parents how they have screwed up their kids?

Hope you get to shave a little more often as the year goes by..I won't even try to hope for you to blog more often...know that takes back seat.

Watch your coffee in class...there was a girl in my algebra class in HS that would always spit in our teacher's coffee! NASTY!

And, I don't care how COOL you are, you know some meanie in your class is capable of that.

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