Tuesday, July 15, 2008

V.Ice: Deployed

Yo. Bathtub Gangsta - you sold out man. Hamptons my ass. Here's how a real man spends his summer vacation. (*note to self -call Bev at Creative Memories for scrappin' tips*)


V.ICE: MY TIME IN IRAQ


Shaking hands with Stormin' Norman and saluting Ol' Blood and Guts
Dear Diary - This was the worst day of my life. The heat is unbearable and then George C. Scott slapped me and called me a 'goddamned coward' when I told him about my problems with carpal tunnel syndrome. I wish I was with BG in the hot tub right now and buying bling at Tiffany's.
.
Stationed at the Pyramids
Dear Diary - It's getting easier ever since they stationed me at Giza. If I can make it into the hidden passageway by 0500, my chances of not getting hit by a suicide bomber improves drastically. I'm a bit worried as the MP's are starting to sniff around with the dogs.
.
Mad Bow and Arrow Skillz
Dear Diary - After my two weeks in lock-up for attempted desertion, I befriended a few Iraqis who've been teaching me some local methods of assault. My first attempt with the blow gun landed me in the health unit for a week when I accidentally inhaled. And almost all the nurses were DUDES! That show M*A*S*H is full of crap.
.
Near Death Experience
Dear Diary - I just narrowly escaped my death and have to thank the SEALs for the rescue. I'm tempted to return and master the sandworm though because that stupid Sgt. Hulka is driving me batshit crazy. If he makes me sweep the sand out of the latrine one more time, I'm gonna snap.
.
Working the Border Patrol
Dear Diary - They sent me to work the border with some of the locals. I can't figure out if they were impressed with my worm skillz or if they're hoping I get hit by sniper fire. Either way, my new best friend, Aziz, is trying to score me one of those cool headpieces they wear. I told him I'd be willing to trade a gold MC Hammer jacket for one and his dealer seemed interested.
.
Col. Hutt's Detail
Dear Diary - The upper echelon was so shocked that I survived the border that I was assigned to Col. Hutt's platoon. They even let me steer the skiff. Sweet! I tried to get on the barge because of the hot chick in chains rumor, but it wasn't happening. I'll see if Aziz can get me on board later.
.
Senor Frogs
Dear Diary - R& R rocks! Who knew there was a Senor Frogs in Iraq? And now I know I'm hot...just like these guys.

_______________________________

Posted over at Humor-Blogs


44 Comments :

VE said...

Looks like Barbie is going to get a funny tan line from that last photo...

Alice said...

VE - Yeah...that was sort of unintentional and I was too lazy for a reshoot.

The Mom said...

Oh I love these! Who knew barbies could be so fun!!

Jeff said...

Have you been playing with your toys again? ;b

Very funny!

Memarie Lane said...

When he inhaled... LMAO!

gadragonfly said...

That rocked! You are just too creative or have way too much time on your hands. The You Tube video was great too. Glad the guys can have a little fun while over there.
I've got my powder on today! Thanks.

Alice said...

Mom & Jeff - Yeah, when the kids have camp, the toys come out. ; )

Marie - Hey, don't laugh. That's dangerous stuff.

D - Glad you got the package. Did the shirt fit?

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Saving Private V.Ice's Privates.....

That would make a spectacular Steven Spielberg movie!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

You know how much I hate you when you outclever me. Why must you make me HATE you in this way, Alice? Why? Why??!!??

for a different kind of girl said...

Word. I like that Pvt. Ice wasn't intimidated by a beer that was bigger than him. That's gangsta!

Jenn Thorson said...

Oh my gosh- you're quite mad, you know.

I'm going to have to go Stumble this.

PS-- Sgt. Hulka-- VERY nice detail.

"Where's you're sergeant, men?"

"Blown up, sir!"

FTN said...

Drop the zero and get with the hero. I bet the locals were still in awe of his Oscar-worthy appearance in the fantastically underrated Cool as Ice.

I'm getting a bit turned on from that last picture, by the way. I've always had a thing for redheads, and that's some serious underboob.

Alice said...

Elastic - Wasn't there actually a porn or porn spoof called Saving Ryan's Privates? Outclever you? How is that possible?!? My mind isn't as bendy as yours.

FADKOG - I should have found a Colt 45 bottle really. And yes, drinking your weight in beer IS gangsta. I think.

Jenn - Yes...I think this stay-at-home-mom gig is wearing my brain down. I appreciate the StumbleIt thing and attempted to add a button. Painful. Thanks darlin'!

FTN - Ahh...all the men are noticing Ariel's boob issues. I see where I've been going wrong in my posts now.

Kelly said...

Alice you are killin' me, this is hillarious...!!!
I am so happy I found you..and Ice too... :)

MamaGeek said...

I'm still giggling 'when he inhaled'. You're a hoot!

Sean C said...

First of all you having a Vanilla Ice doll is funny enough. Rip Van Winkle is funny enough. Thinking of Cool as Ice star mastering the sand worm in all of his hip hoppedness had me cracking up. Hahaha. But poor Ariel, she was such a good kid too.

Mary Witzl said...

I come here to laugh and I am never disappointed. Those two hot guys were great, too.

MadMad said...

Damn! I just threw out my daughter's Barbies! Who knew they could be this much fun?!

Alice said...

Kelly - I love you too! Now come cook for me!

MamaGeek - Thanks!

Sean - Yeah, Ariel got sacrificed since she was already sandy. Didn't want to funkify another Barbie.

Mary - Those guys rocked it. I feel for them (all of them)over there.

MadMad - Yardsales baby. That's where I got Ice's fatigues. For a dollar.

Hey It's Di said...

Alice you are the Hot one! Damn you make me laugh so hard I about wet myself! Why must you be so creative with your toys? I had to show off your post to everyone so they could understand my loud giggling.

After that video, I'm kinda wishing I was deployed to Iraq. There are some Hot guys and it looks a bit fun:)

Rph Mommy said...

OMG. Not only is this too freaking funny, but you used "batshit crazy" in there. That makes this the perfect post.

Amy said...

I'm crying laughing right now. Which barbie chick is that? I thought I owned all of them...

Alice said...

Di - I'm actually not speaking to you right now. As president of the Universal Blog Board, my impartiality might be questioned.

RPH - Lord - did I pick that word up from you? It's one of those satisfying sounding combinations.

Amy - Ahhh..it's Ariel. And the top fiasco was TOTALLY UNINTENTIONAL.

Kylie in Warsaw said...

Too funny! Senor Frog's in Iraq, LMAO!

Queen Goob said...

"George C. Scott slapped me and called me a 'goddamned coward' when I told him about my problems with carpal tunnel syndrome." I really was drinking coffee and not just pretending and when i started laughing my ass off I sucked some coffee down the wrong pipe. I'll post a picture of the cute guy that was laughing his ass off while trying to get me to breath again. Thank God for small favors!

The top fiasco unintentional? I. Don't. Think. So.

Hey It's Di said...

Alice I think you must have been drinking V.Ice's Corona Extra. Did you forget that I'm your Vice Pres. of Universal Blogging?

I may have to send you a dollar store gift OR expose to the blogging world that you have nudity on your blog. Yeah, Barbie is flashing her boobs for V.Ice! She is such a Ho. I always thought she was. LOL

Queen Goob said...

Hey Honey, I just posted a link to this page and left you a present at my place. Check it!

LceeL said...

That last pic is for me, rught? Because you know I'm a serious fan of underboob, right? (mumbles*I gotta get a life)

Robyn said...

You can reference Patton, Stripes, and Ice. You got mad skills.

JD at I Do Things said...

ACK! Barbie! Cover up your boobies!

All this, and a Sgt. Hulka reference? I'm in heaven.

JD at I Do Things

Bee said...

Ther emust be something wrong with my feeds because I just saw this!
BWAHAHAHA!

Alice said...

Kylie - : ) Tequila!

Q.Goob - Thanks - you rock!

Di - I like your style. They way you appointed yourself to be my Vice President. Woo me with Dollar Store gifts and we'll take it from there.

Lou - I was TOTALLY thinking of you when I took that shot. I said, "Alice, WWLL?" (What Would Lou Like?)

Robyn - If you GET references to Patton & Stripes, then our skillz are the same. ; )

JD - Yeah, I haven't seen Stripes in awhile. Must get soon. Quotes fading from memory.

Bee - I was missing you! : (

Holy Crappers said...

I don't know V/Ice, you might be stealing my heart from BG.

#1

Manager Mom said...

OK - you are the PHOTOSHOP QUEEN. Will you please school me in its dark magic?

Meg said...

I hope your M*A*S*H is in jest. We are the home of Jamie Farr and Tony Packos, you know!

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

Wow, who knew that iraqi women were redheads under those headdresses...

MsCatalysta said...

I just love your stuff. You crack me up.

MsCatalysta said...

I just love your stuff. You crack me up.

Alice said...

Holy Crappers - No way! BG is THE original gangsta!

Manager Mom - Sent you an e-mail regarding my lame methodology.

Meg - I love M*A*S*H. I just meant that all the nurses were lovelies on the show.

BMP - You have NO idea what's under those burkhas.

Catalysta - Thanks!

Mary Witzl said...

I feel for them too! And the fact that they could do something like that cheered me up no end. It made me really thirsty too -- and awfully glad I left Southern California.

Tina said...

Alice, you totally made my afternoon. Can I come over and play?

Trooper Thorn said...

Bust loose the stockade, Ice is free and no fakin',
Fraggin' MP's like a pound of bacon.

LaRue said...

BWAH! LOVE THESE. As an X-Army Chick I am getting a huge kick out of this. And its true - Patton would have been appalled - definately not a "magnificent bastard."

Except he has to say, "Damn, Skippy" to someone.... and OOH! Can he parachute into somewhere?

I Am Not A Stretchy Trash Bag said...

Hey, I saw you on Good Mom/Bad Mom!

You might know me. I have a link there too. It's under elasticWASTEbandlady.

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