Thursday, May 8, 2008

Weed-eaters Lament

I count four weed-eaters in our garage. And yet I’m relegated to the electric with two 100 ft. daisy-chained extension cords. As punishment to the gas-powered’s and their line feed issues – they’ll stay in the spidery corner of the garage until I can thrash them with the .065 Xtreme Titanium line. Like I did to my leg. Which left five really cool slashes across my shin. I’m almost sure you heard me yell the pretty words when it happened.

Extension cords – I had a blast untangling youz guyz. All 200 feet.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the depressions in the yard – my right ankle is only slightly sprained and extension cord #2 – YOU ROCK!! It was awesome how you popped out of the outlet when I was 200 feet away about eight times.

Pollen – I was singing your praises through my nose at 1 am. It was so magically musical that I invited my friends Claritin and Benadryl.

Tent Worm – sorry about cutting you in half for scientific purposes when GirlChild and I couldn’t figure out if you were a cocoon or an egg sac. But it’s OK since we bought a REAL habitat for your sibs so they can die a much slower death in GirlChild captivity. The Cup of Death is a thing of the past.
___________________________________
Click on Humor-Blogs - it’s a pollen free.

12 Comments :

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Marty Feldman is back!!!

It's like his eyes aren't following me no matter where I go in the room...

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Don't you have Mexicans to do that kind of stuff up there?

Actually, around my house, I'm the white honkey gardener.

Yeah, I'm doing the work that no Mexican (my Papi) wants to do!

Bex said...

We do the "Green Gardening" thing around here. We are VERY cutting edge and politically correct around my house. I don't know about anyone else, but for me "Green Gardening" consists of ignoring all growing things (except for, occasionally, children). So yes, our yard has become the neighborhood dust bowl. And our ant situation is OUT OF CONTROL. But it's easy on the back. And I don't get strange bugs flying into my cleavage. So...it's kind of a toss-up.

BTW, I've overstayed my welcome at the religious jubilee. I expect a burning cross in my front yard (aka the Dust Bowl) any minute now. (Oops. I did it again...)

Jenn Thorson said...

Ah, Tentworms these days... they don't know how good they have it.

I mean, when I was a kid, Tentworms hung out in their trees and when captured they slinked into the cup of death and they LIKED it. They didn't expect any nice tentworm terrarium that's bigger than a New York apartment.

But today's Tentworms, why they have to have it ALL, don't they?

Next they'll be wanting teeny-tiny cel phones. :)

Bee said...

Maybe when your done whacking stuff over there, you can come lend a fellow blogger a helping hand in her yard?

It's way way way way smaller than yours so it shouldn't take you more than 20 minutes or so.

I'll provide the Vicodin! :o)

Alice said...

Elastic - Marty's all for you babe. And I have to be my own Mexican since I spend all my money gambling.

Bex - Ants are out of control here during the summer too, but I figure they're keeping the roaches away so I don't mind too much. And awesome job my Pastafarian sistah!

Jenn - I'm gonna go out on a limb and liken the new digs more to an overcrowded NY apartment housing an extended illegal alien family.

Bee - a small yard is sounding good right now. I've eradicated a lot of extraneous flower beds already in favor of grass. I'm all about mowing and not really about weeding. Hope your arm is feeling better!

Jeff said...

Sorry to hear about the shin slashes. Just be careful the teenagers don't see them because they'll think it's cool and want to do it - and then you'll be responsible disturbing new trend.

Meg said...

Stop with the yard work already.

You're making feel like I should get off of this computer and pick up those tree branches blocking the sidewalk that last month's storm blew down.

And what bra would I wear??

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

The Joke Of The Day in the Chronicle this morning made me think of you:
Gummy Worms are better than Gummy Bears because they're anatomically correct.


Very powerful and thought provoking words, them are....well until the transgendered worms association catches wind of this offensive joke nonsense.

Alice said...

Jeff - I was thinking of taking a pic, but then I hadn't shaved in about a week and it was pretty unyummy. But VERY teenager trendworthy.

Meg - I honestly would give it up, mainly because I can barely breathe anymore, but we've had incessant rain and the grass is out of control! Unlike the drought last year that killed off a lot of the yard. *sadface* If it's any consolation, I'd probably leave the branches myself and I say DON'T wear a bra at all!

Elastic - Mmmmmm....gummy worms....and bears...perhaps I'll be checking out the new 99 cents store.

Half-Past Kissin' time said...

Oh, you poor thing! You could have sliced an artery, for crying out loud! (I'm glad you didn't!)

Alice said...

Kissin' Time - Thanks for the concern, but really, it's more like claw marks. I'm so stupid some times. ; )

Post a Comment