Wednesday, April 23, 2008

8 Random Things About Me

Jenn of Cabbages-n-Kings tagged me for this meme right on the heels of my first tag. And then The Bloggess leaves me a comment! Holy Shit - I'm gonna go ahead and call this a popularity spike. Three makes a spike, right?


1. You might know it as the Devil’s Nad or Satan’s Oval. I sometimes refer to them as eggs. I don’t like them, can’t stand the smell and haven’t tasted one since my Mom forced me to eat scrambled eggs under her egg dictatorship. And the only way those sulfurous blobs were going down was slathered in ketchup and swallowed whole with an OJ chaser. Sort of like this:

2. I can stare down a streak of Ragu on the side of my fridge for three months, but if I go to someone else’s house and see something like that, I think, “What a slob – it would take, like, 3 seconds to wipe that off.” I’m a hypocritical judger.

3. I’m guessing that most of you shop for shoes by admiring the style and design of a shoe and then look for one in your size. That would be nice and I hate you. I shop for shoes by looking for boxes that say 11. If I get lucky and find one – I quickly offer a sacrifice to Nike and hope what’s inside doesn’t look like this:

Bearing kids did this to me – don’t let pregnancy happen to you!

4. It is impossible for me to go to bed if dresser drawers are open. This troubles Babycakes but he can tell his own damn stories.

5. I love just about anything that has to do with being IN the water – snorkeling, scuba diving, swimming…but put me in a boat and I’ll turn green before you can say Dramamine. I got sea sick on the Staten Island Ferry if this clues you in. Fortunately, I know my limitations and dope myself up before excursions now. This has given me many happy hours watching other folks yakking over the handrail.

My in-laws very kindly took us on a cruise once and I was uber-worried that I’d spend a week looking at the toilet plumbing so I got THE PATCH. Day 1 – Fine. Day 2 – What am I, fifteen? I’ve got zit constellations on my forehead. Day 3 – Neck breaks out in a rash and I call the on-board Dr.

Dr.: “You’re allergic to the patch. Take it off.”

Me: “Umm…yeah…I can deal with a rash, but I can’t deal with puking up my lunch.”

Dr.: “Take it off.”

Me: “Could we maybe…”

Dr.: “Do it. Do it now.”

Anyways – the cruise turned out fine, even without the patch so I guess cruise ships get a big thumbs up from my inner ear.

6. I only fly with famous black politicians. I’ve been on planes with Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan and the best part was BoyChild pushing past Farrakhan’s entourage of mongo-huge bodyguards at Reagan National. That’s as cool and tough as BoyChild will ever get since he hides his eyes during “Little Bear.”

7. Here’s a fact – I don’t like it when your nasty dog licks me. It’s not cute. It’s foul and the dog probably just licked his own crotch. I don’t want your dog OR my cats OR my kids OR Babycakes licking me. He may lick me.

8. I majored in math because I'm lazy. Majoring in math means you get assigned 5 problems and when they're done, they're done. All those other majors make you do fool things like writing papers. Then you've got to walk ALL the way to the libary, you need to read stuff, compare and contrast, know what a participle is, come up with 10 pages of BS on a poem I never read (which I really did once - and was justly rewarded when the teacher handed back my paper with the comment - "Did you actually read this?" - WICKED!)

So now you know me a little more and maybe you wish you didn't.

Signing off so Babycakes can play World of WarCraft now.
Please click on Humor-Blogs so I can move on up in the rankings and prevent sea-sickness.


Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Okay I was totally with you until the last one.

Math killed me in college. Almost as badly as french.

By the way, what do I do for a living now? Math.

Ah, Karma, you are a bitch.

Alice said...

Yes...Karma...which is why I ended up writing so many reports with participles at The Bureau. (Doesn't 'The Bureau' sound cooler than saying you worked for Census? It's more intrigue-y FBI-y and less nerd-y.)

BrandiB said...

I can agree with you on many of these. But, especially about the size 11 shoes. Mine is not a side effect of pregnancy though - had these skis since I was about 13 years old. Luckily my body caught up (at least enought that I don't look too clownish) by about age 17. I get so TIRED of finding great shoes that just do not exist in my size. Payless Shoes is my place. No concerns. I just look in my section and see what I can choose. Then, when I slip through the aisle for size 8 to go pay, I drool over the much larger and better selection....

Alice said...

Brandi - I have done the Payless thing which I eke by on much to the dismay of shoe hounds everywhere. I'd also suggest my new favorite website for shoes - They cost more, but the selection for an 11 is awesome.

Jenn Thorson said...

Smashing job, Alice! I am sorry to hear you grew up under and Egg Dictatorship. My own mother would SNEAK things I didn't like into her cooking, and then get mad when I'd say, "Hey, is this mayonnaise in this? It tastes like mayonnaise."

And yes, three makes a popularity spike. (Or a triangle, I can't remember which, but then I wasn't a major in math.) :)

Alice said...

LOL Jenn! I do the same thing with every potato salad people try to push on me - Is there egg in this? Looks like egg.

Jeff said...

Getting licked by dogs = YUCK! It's that simple. Hmmm, probably one of the reasons I've never owned one.

Alice said...

Can I get an 'Amen' brother? Cats are nice and simple and low maintenance.

Jonny's Mommy said...

I can stare down a streak of Ragu on the side of my fridge for three months, but if I go to someone else’s house and see something like that, I think, “What a slob – it would take, like, 3 seconds to wipe that off.” I’m a hypocritical judger....

Totally me!

Love it! Hilarious.
My roommate in college was a math/economics major and now she's workin' for the government and making huge amounts of money. I hate her. :-)

That girl from Shallotte said...

I managed to get bumped to first class on a flight from New York to Chicago and sat directly behind the Rev. Al Sharpton. His hair was fierce.

Post a Comment