WV Wedding aka Mummies of the Insane Pt. II

Babycakes and I said our goodbyes to the Mummies of the Insane and worked our way westward over the Appalachians to attend the wedding of some college friends. It was one of those events where you know very few other people, but it didn’t matter – most weddings that Babycakes and I attend turn out to have great comic value.

We spent the evening before the wedding on lawn chairs outside of the bride’s home. This is a great first sign because it screams “casual” instead of “wear pantyhose”. It also indicates that it was freakin’ hot. It was one of those sluggishly humid evenings where you're molded to the chair and try to con others into bringing you a drink if they're heading to the cooler anyway. Getting married in 95 degree weather is wrong on so many levels unless you're on the beach.

We drank. We fanned. We learned that our new best friend, Charity, had cruised around the back roads of West Virginia for an hour following signs for ‘Log Jam’ looking to buy preserves, only to find a concert by the river. We laughed at her (not with her) for a good twenty minutes and polished off the cooler before heading to our room at the golf club.

The next morning, we hooked up with another couple from school and attended the wedding ceremony without much fanfare. It was good and short – just like I like’em. Oh...and it was hot there too. Nothing like a good bead of sweat rolling down a bridesmaid's temple. You know what else I find classy about bridesmaids? When they're sporting tattoos on their biceps.

After that, it was physically impossible to drive directly to the reception without a pit stop at the air-conditioned Arches. We all got Happy Meals which came with these really cool Tarzan straws that would make animal sounds when you drank through them. We took our new toys to the reception with us because we’re classy like that. Like the bridesmaids.

The reception began with the usual wedding reception-y things, they passed out some champagne and the best man ( aka 'The Big Smooth' - best nickname EVER) began his speech. The four of us stuck our Tarzan straws into our champagne flutes. About 10 seconds into the speech we hear noises.

“Oh. My. God."

"That is SOOO f***ing rude."

" Who is making THAT noise?”

That rude noise would be four flutes of bubbly forcing air back up through the Tarzan straws that are now bellowing like Tantor the Elephant.

Since we had firmly established our presence at that point, we took command of the bar and dance floor. One of Babycakes great talents is moving on the dance floor and I would have included a picture of an extremely sweaty Babycakes doing the Booty Call, but it would most likely stop any sort of advancement at work. It was so hot at this reception that people disappeared and reappeared later in cooler clothing. My pictures start out with Babycakes in khakis and a blue oxford and end with a grey t-shirt, shorts and no shoes. It was that kind of a reception.

After a night of drinking, dodging some sketchy locals and sweaty hard dancing , it’s hard just to walk away. Dammit – we’re hot and sweaty…we're in the middle of a golf course...and there’s the water hazard…

Yeah, it was impossible for us to ignore it. We finished off the evening with a midnight swim at the 7th hole. Shouldn't all weddings have a magical ending like that?

(My apologies to the man in charge of the green.)
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