Snyrting in Iceland: Part 1

Alice, Babycakes, BoyChild and GirlChild have returned from the far north to report on "How We Spent Our Summer Vacation." Now, you can Google all the pictures of Iceland you want and see what we saw, but I'm here to share the stuff you don't see in National Geo.

Iceland suits those who are "rolling in dough" or folks like us who have saved every last cent by foregoing things like food and car payments. To spread the cash over twelve days, a lot of our dinners consisted of ham and cheese sandwiches and delicious little pastries called Kleifur. (The name of this pastry could be completely wrong since Alice's grasp of the Icelandic language was limited to Haagen Dasz and fake IKEA product names.) Needless to say, we all had some signifcant changes in our bowel movements which we didn't hesitate to discuss.

BoyChild: My poops are smaller.
Alice: I can't poop at all.
BabyCakes: I think my diarrhea has stopped.

And then we'd look for the nearest SNYRTING sign. Which made me laugh. Every time.


Every toilet had two mystical buttons to choose from. No two toilets were the same and I couldn't figure out if one button was for pee and one was for poo because when I flushed each they seemed the same and I was confused and I spent WAY too much time pondering this. GirlChild tried to set me straight about the buttons but I'm pretty sure she just made something up to get me away from the snyrting. Or is 'snyrting' a verb? Now I'm confused again. Haagen Dasz.

We rented a car and headed north from Reykjavik only to spot the ever elusive Giant Coca-Cola grazing in a field. I braked hard and swerved to avoid a collision with...nothing...there was nothing on the road. Not even a sheep. Maybe some rocks. There were lots of those in Iceland.
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We didn't stop until we reached this little gem hidden in a town called Husavik. WOW. I think the phrase that comes to mind is "sandpaper my corneas." And if my kids don't know how baby whales get made by now, then they weren't looking at the big pointy thing sticking out from the wall and knocking my camera bag off my shoulder.
GirlChild took a few too many photos in there which I had to delete off her camera before Grandma learned that mice had penis bones. And before Grandma learned that GirlChild learned that mice had penis bones.
I'll leave you with BoyChild and Babycakes looking proud and manly next to some weiner rocks.

Day Billion and 3

I was about to hunker down in the WC for what I thought might be an extended period of time, when I realized I'd already exhausted the reading material on the side of the Lightdays box. I quickly fished around the bathroom until I found a book on the history of the Civil War nestled under some Q-Tips. I pondered, "WTF is that doing in here are where is my copy of Star with Brad Pitt on the front?"

I sighed heavily and resigned myself to the Civil War, written for 5th graders it seems.

Teaching math all day, I don't dabble into history books all that much, but I've always enjoyed it as long as I won't be tested on the material. The book proved interesting enough for me to continue reading it outside of the loo. And then it started to irritate me with passages like this:

Book: "As the South becomes desperate, Southern soldiers fight harder than ever. Do you remember when Cortes faced Montezuma in Mexico City?"

Alice: Ummm...sorta...

Book: "Do you remember that the Aztec leader would not surrender?"

Alice: No.

Book: "Do you remember what happened?"

Alice: No

Book: CHAPTER 25: SPEECHES AT GETTYSBURG

Alice: WTF happened in Mexico City? Don't leave me hanging stupid book!

So now I have to Google stuff and find out my Civil War book is even lamer than I first thought because Cortes did NOT face Montezuma in Mexico City, because it wasn't even called Mexico City then. I'd leave you hanging like the book, but I'm not that cruel. It was called Tenochtitlan.

I had to Google Patrick Swayze after that because it's nearly impossible to read about the Civil War without thinking how Orry Main was pretty hot for a Civil War dude.

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**Favorite Quote** (re: Grant, the Original Survivor)

"He was the kind of general who didn't worry much about military theories. He just outkilled and outlasted his enemy."

Day Billion and 2

Unless you've been in a coma and not following your East Coast friends whining via FaceBook you might have realized I've been cooped up a bit.

BoyChild was starting to look shaggy and I happily pulled out the electric clippers as a new indoor activity I hadn't explored yet. After some soothing words about how a little hair in his eyes wouldn't kill him, he ran off tearing his shirt from his body and my first thought about his head was "mange". And then I only wanted to wish him well in the coal mines. With the right side a little closer to the skull and a cowlick that eluded the clippers, he's only a black smudge and hacking cough away from working the tunnels.

He's skillfully been eluding me since then. But that's OK since I've found "Hoarders" ON DEMAND. It's my new favorite show that makes me feel better about the state of my house. I've had to move on after exhausting Comcast's selections of "Cake Boss" and "How It's Made." "Ruby" was hitting a little too close to home.

Babycakes shoveled pretty fast today, I think to get me out of the house faster. I tried to kidnap my neighbor but she claimed her husband was "working". Riiiigggghhhhht...and I'm going out to get groooooceriiieeesss...

Dammit, don't they even think about MY feelings?!? Didn't they realize that I'd need a designated driver for my planned stop at La Tolteca for a Modelo Especial or five? I had to satisfy myself with an order of soft chimichangas that are now sitting quite heavily in my upper GI. So lonely without a Mexican beer to digest them.

Day Billion and One

My verbiage was getting too much for Facebook's limited space and my sister kept hinting that I should blog during my house arrest as determined by the Maryland Public School System, the Federal Government and Fat Bastard Winter (FBW).

In addition to completing a thorough investigation of my toenail cuticles, GirlChild and I explored our artistic side on her bedroom wall.

Her Lorax isn't half bad!




Under the butterflies, BoyChild added some wind, both artistically and literally (after consuming the dreaded Fiber Bar). The Fiber Bars are the weapon of choice during the confinement for their combination of lip-smacking tastiness and near-lethal gas producing qualities.

Babycakes sat with them in front of YouTube until GirlChild had THIS memorized. She chimes in with "nobody comes to visit me...in my little cloud" as she streaks past you leaving a wake of offensiveness.


On what felt like day 100,000 GirlChild created TentCity in our living room. Peering closely, under my didgeridoo, you'll find her wardrobe hanging on a novelty known as "hangers". Hidden in the underbelly of TentCity is "guest bedroom" and "pile where I put my dirty clothes".









BoyChild is so easy. World Of Warcraft. A billion and one days off of school. Bliss.

As for me, I finally took a look into my school bag that I abandoned on Day 1 of FBW. I unfortunately abandoned it with a banana sitting at the bottom that had nicely oozed all over my new gradebook. And some Algebra 2 homework. Oh well, I'm sure the kids will have forgotten they ever turned those in by the time we get back to school. Or better yet...

Alice: Class, your mastery of exponents is deplorable. After THOROUGHLY grading your last homework assignment I threw it all away in disgust after wiping the banana...er...stench of failure from my hands.

Stay Tuned for Day Billion and Two! Unless I get apathetic and watch M*A*S*H reruns all day.

Ahem...Not For You Dear...

Sorry about my blog header - it's all messed up and I need to get WebMaster Nick on the job. I've been silent far too long and the blog gods don't like that.

Anyhooo...I directed a few folks this way so I didn't get banned from FaceBook for showcasing pornographic material. Apparently GirlChild was rooting through my belongings and started a little chant about an old cake photo of mine that she found. I tuned her out as I was avidly searching the internet for cool ideas for math in the classroom and shirtless men.

The part of the tune that caught my ear was : "Long leggedy lady cake...with a bone behind her."

ARGHHHHHHHH........gimme that kid.....